Halloween IV and V: Michael Myers Is the Worst Boyfriend Ever

At this point, you know the drill. No prison can hold him, no man can kill him. “I prayed that he would burn in hell but I knew, in my heart, that hell would have not him.” Apparently, Michael Myers is also too evil for hell. You can also read the recaps for Halloween I, Halloween II, or Halloween III: Season of the Witch. IF YOU DARE…

*SPOILER WARNING

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Halloween IV: The Return of Michael Myers

Aaaaaaaaaaand after a short entre-acte involving…Stonehenge…(???)…we’re back to Michael Myers who is all unconscious from being burned alive in the hospital 10 years earlier. I really feel like we can blame the majority of this movie on the chatty paramedics who are all like, “Lalala, let’s have an exposition party in the ambulance with the unconscious Mike Myers!” so they spend a bunch of time talking about how Michael’s sister (Jamie Lee Curtis, if you’ll recall) died in a car accident (OMGGGGGGGGGG) and her daughter Jamie Junior is now in foster care. And this news is apparently so jolting that it wakes Michael Myers from his fire-coma and he is way overdue for bloodshed so he kills the paramedics and crashes the ambulance. Jamie Jr. keeps seeing visions of Michael Myers so she’s pretty freaked out. But peer pressure knows no bounds so when all of the other kids are like, “haha, jamie’s a scaredy cat! also her uncle is a serial killer, nanananabooboo,” Jamie decides she has to go trick-or-treating like the other kids and must, inexplicably, wear a clown costume identical to the one Michael Myers wore 20 years previous. Meanwhile, Jamie’s foster sister is like, “Crap, having an adopted sister is totally cramping my style, how am I supposed to get smoochy with my boyfriend?” But it doesn’t really matter because her boyfriend is a super sleaze who is making it with the sheriff’s daughter (so, of course, they’re both going to die). Actually, pretty much everyone dies in this movie, except Jamie Jr. and the doctor. Did I forget to mention the doctor is back? Well, he is, and once again, he spends most of the movie running around town with his gigantic pistol and yelling at the incompetent law enforcement. You know…the ushe. Michael Myers ends up crashing his car into an abandoned mine. But then Jamie decides she needs to touch his hand…because I know whenever my uncle chases me all over town on Halloween trying to stab me, that’s what I do…and OMG, SHE IS NOW PSYCHICALLY POSSESSED BY MICHAEL MYERS. Then she tries to stab her foster mother with scissors. The end…and Michael Myers is definitely dead this time. For real. ….

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Halloween V: The Revenge of Michael Myers

So after Halloween IV, the little girl is super traumatized over the whole my uncle-is-a-serial-killer thing so they put her in a hospital for disturbed children (they apparently have one of those in Haddonfield, New Jersey). So while she’s busy being psychically connected to Michael Myers, Michael is busy waking up from his like…eighteenth coma. And because of Jamie’s creepy powers, she can now predict who Michael is going to kill next because she can see inside his mind and…stuff. I don’t know, they don’t really explain this very well. This movie has one of my all-time favorite Michael Myers moments of the entire franchise so far in which he shows up in a sleek black sports car, pretending to be the slutty babysitter’s dirtbag boyfriend (who he has already dismembered) and she gets in the car and starts yelling at him about how he’s a terrible boyfriend. And for some reason he doesn’t kill her. Then when she yells at him to stop at the gas station so she can buy cigarettes…he does. Michael, are you losing your killer instinct? Oh yeah, and the crazy doctor is back and has decided to use Jamie Jr. (who is like 8 years old, by the way) as BAIT FOR THE SERIAL KILLER. So they hang out in Michael’s childhood home and the doctor’s like, “Hey Jamie, brush your hair like Michael’s sister was doing when he, you know, MURDERED HER” and Jamie Jr. is like “Omg, this doctor is crazy and I feel that there is an inordinate amount of pressure on me to help catch a murderer but whatever.” And then Michael shows up and stuff goes down. And Jamie Jr. runs up to the attic where Michael has apparently been sleeping…in a coffin…and, like any sane eight year old, she lays down in it. And then Michael comes upstairs and just as he’s about to stab her, she says, “Uncle?” AND THEN SHE TAKES OFF HIS MASK and we see a single tear on his cheek. And they have a tender half of a second before Michael is like OMG NO I AM EVIL!!! And then the doctor beats him with a stick. And the police take him into custody. And he is totally locked up forever…until like five minutes later when Jamie somehow ends up at the police station that has…exploded…and Michael’s cell is empty. Credits. For real.

Next up…Halloween VI: The Curse of Michael Myers.

love, elizabeth