I Don’t Care That You Don’t Care

Alright, time for another serious relationship question. Kyle and I had this talk in the car the other day. Am I the only one who gets SUPER ANNOYED when their spouse or partner says, “I don’t care”?

“What do you want for dinner?”

“I don’t care.”

“Do you want to go see that movie?”

“I don’t care.”

“Which kind of laundry detergent should I buy?”

“I don’t care.”

And yes, I realize that about 93% of the time you say, “I don’t care,” you actually mean that you don’t care.

Here’s the thing. I DON’T CARE!!! I don’t care that you don’t care. You need to care. I want you to care. When you say you don’t care, I don’t hear “Gee, honey, I don’t really have an opinion either way so since this decision is more important to you, why don’t you go ahead and choose?” I hear, “The outcome of this decision is not worth the effort it takes to land on one side of the fence or the other and so therefore, I abstain from caring.”

And quickly, let’s address the other 7% of the time when you actually do care but tell me you don’t. That’s my move, by the way. I never don’t care. So when you fake don’t care, I can totally tell. This brand of not caring usually comes in the middle of a fight (it doesn’t matter who’s winning). This kind of not-caring is also super hurtful because I know you know that I want you to care.

In conclusion, please care. I care. I want you to care. And if you don’t, if you really, really don’t, if you have to fake it…fake it. If I say, “Do you like the teal or red cardigan better?”, just. freaking. pick. one. (Yes, I know that you know that I know I’m going to pick the one you didn’t. It’s part of my process! Go with it.)

CARING IS SHARING. HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING FROM THE CARE STARE??

Alright, thoughts? Does this happen at your house?

love, elizabeth

Ever Had One Of Those Fights…

Ever have one of those fights where you and your husband scream at each other and slam doors and freak out and don’t even stop twenty minutes in when you realize you can’t remember what you’re upset about but instead continue to loudly bang pots and pans around in the kitchen and huff indignantly and roll your eyes like you’re getting paid for it?

Yeah. Me neither.

But you guys…I have discovered the SECRET to conflict resolution.

I swallowed my pride. I opened the bedroom door and I showed him…this.

 

And Kyle, bless his heart, did this.

This is why I love being married.

What silly tricks have you and your spouse/partner learned to help resolve arguments?

love, elizabeth

To You, With Love From Your Television: Grey’s Anatomy

Like I've said before, if you're getting the majority of your relationship advice from Hollywood, you're pretty much doomed to fail. And um, Grey’s Anatomy is no exception. Seriously, how can brain surgeons have these kind of sex lives?? When do they have time to perform, I don’t know, actual surgery???!!

And still… I was struck by the most recent episode. If you haven’t seen the show, Drs. Grey and Shepherd have been having some problems (shocker).

Source: google.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

But in a scene that’s sticking with me...

Meredith challenges Derek, “Well, then why are you with me?”
“Because of that!” he tells her, pointing at the post-it note on the wall over their bed. The one with their marriage vows on it. “Because I meant that. I promised I wouldn’t run. I promised I would love you.”
“Even when you hate me…”
“Even when I hate you!”

This just resonated with me so much. The truth is, anyone who is in a long-term relationship knows what it’s like to love someone even when you hate them. And if you haven’t felt that in your marriage yet, you will.

I have always said falling in love is a feeling but staying in love…that’s a choice.

So way to go, Grey’s Anatomy. For once, I totally forgive you for all the slow motion bedroom scenes, bomb threats, pregnancy scares, cancer episodes, and for killing off George O’Malley. Okay, maybe I’m still mad about that last one. I love you, though. Even when I hate you.

Source: google.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

“To love each other,

even when we hate each other.

No running. Ever!

Take care when old,

senile, smelly. This is forever!”

Meredith Grey

Derek Shepherd

What about you? Have you seen any glimpse of real love or relationships on television?

love, elizabeth

Guest Post: Ashley from Recipe for Sanity

My blogger’s heart is extra full this morning because it knows that while I am in Louisville getting ready for the wedding, you all are getting to talk with one of my favorite bloggers on the world wide web, Ashley. Ashley keeps one of the most genuine, sincere, and down-to-earth blogs I have read and she writes with such kindness and grace, that it’s difficult not to love her immediately! Also, she often shares her many amazing and easy recipes. Make sure to go visit her at Recipe for Sanity and say hello! I promise you’ll love her.

When Elizabeth first asked me to guest post, I had trouble connecting my image of Rob and I with the word “adventure”. After all, we’re not exactly the cliff diving, zip-lining type. We get our adventure from movies and trying a new entrée on a restaurant menu, not from hanging upside-down by a bungee cord. Yet after talking things over with Rob, I realized that in five years together, we have had some real adventures and challenges in our relationship. Moving in together was unquestionably the biggest adventure of all.

The move itself was a hot mess. One would think that moving from a one-bedroom unit to a two-bedroom in the same complex would be the easiest move possible. Not so, my friends. Not only were the movers sloppy and late to arrive, they created a large hole in our bedroom door (heart-shaped, ironically), which they refused to take responsibility for until much later. There was also the shower curtain rod that hit me in the face, and the shower head that came out of the wall in my hand…all in the same night. Or the washer that was improperly installed and flooded the whole kitchen, leaving me ankle-deep in water, sobbing about how I couldn’t handle one more thing happening with this move. Yet what Rob and I did not know was that leaking washers and faulty shower heads would be the easiest thing for us to handle. Moving in together was the real challenge.

You woke me up when you came to bed last night.

Well YOU left the dishes in the sink.

Why don’t you EVER take out the garbage?

These were the type of arguments we had on a regular basis. Prior to moving in together, we rarely fought. Once we shared an apartment, however, we started disagreeing on the smallest, least important issues. Being of Latina/Italian descent, I naturally made the most noise about it. My way of expressing my anger was to cry, sulk on our bed, or slam a door. The slamming door phase ended quickly, after that heart-shaped hole cut my hand. Served me right. Rob is a lot calmer and more passive, so he preferred to get defensive (quietly), shut me out, or sit in silence while I rattled off my laundry list of reasons for being angry with him. I found myself wondering if we had made the right choice, if all of this arguing meant that we weren’t the couple we thought we were.

If I could go back in time and talk to the girl I was then, I would tell her that this was an adventure. The challenges, the painful moments…those were growing pains. We weren’t falling apart; we were coming together as a family. I was so frustrated because I was learning to put Rob and our relationship at the top of my list, instead of always thinking about myself. I was learning to stick it out through the tough times, and that always being right was not as important as our love for one another. Three years after our move, I know now these things to be true. Because we had that challenging time in our relationship, we now know that we can make it through anything, and that giving up is not an option. That adventure laid the foundation for what we have today: a love story that I never dreamed could be mine. I wouldn’t change a thing.

- Ashley

Told you she was great. Don’t forget to head over HERE and say hi. Thanks so much, Ashley, for taking care of the blog while I’m away!

love, elizabeth

PS: Tune in tomorrow for another guest post about adventure from…(you’ll have to come back and see!)

Playing the Stupid Card

A couple of years ago after a particularly terrible fight, Kyle and I instituted what we affectionately call, "The Stupid Card." The card is basically a non-tangible, contractual understanding that the person playing it did or said something stupid and that they realize it.

These are the rules:

1. Each person can play it once a week.

2. If you play the stupid card, the other person agrees to let whatever stupid thing you said/did/didn't do go immediately. It can't be brought up again. They can't be punished for it. The fight ends right then.

3. The relationship is considered healed at that moment.

The spirit of Stupid Card is instant-forgiveness. On the surface, it seems like an impossible idea. I mean, when I'm mad at Kyle for something mean he has said or something he forgot to do, the last thing I want to do is just let it go without any kind of a fight. After all, that's my RIGHT, isn't it, to give him my two cents?

So many times, a little bickering or an overreaction driven by outside stress or worry will escalate into a full-blown, knock-down, drag-out brawl. I asked Kyle once, "Wouldn't it be great if now and then we could just have a get-out-of-jail-free card? If we could just agree, once and awhile, to just let each other's stupidity slide without an argument?

Here's why I think Stupid Card has worked for us:

- Not only does the Card give us that one free pass a week, it forces us to put active forgiveness into practice. When the Bible talks about how God forgives us, it says he has separated our mistakes and wrong-doing "as far as the east is from the west." It's gone. I'm amazed at how much easier it is to let things, in general, go than it used to be. Stupid Card teaches you to let things go and not bring them up again.

- It makes forgiveness a habit. At first, we stuck hard and fast to our "one stupid card a week" rule. But occasionally now, Kyle will offer me a second chance. Once, in the middle of an argument that had no point, his mouth started to twitch. "Can I play my stupid card again?" he asked, trying not to laugh. "Only if I can play mine!" I told him. The Stupid Card becomes a rehearsal for every-day forgiveness.

- Sometimes, it's a relief. It's a relief for me when I play the card and Kyle says, "Sure. Of course." It's a relief for me when Kyle asks to play his. Staying angry is draining. Sometimes it's just wonderful to NOT have to talk through every little thing that went wrong, every little "you said this and that's why I did that and then you said..." When the rest of the world is loathe to let the stupid things go, it's such a comfort to come home to someone who says, "Let's just let this one go."

Has the card always worked? Does it stop every fight? Absolutely not. Occasionally, one of us will break the rules and refuse to accept the card. And the fighting usually continues.

But in the last two years, I think The Stupid Card has probably ended hundreds of fights (or potential fights). And that's more than I can say for my VISA!

So what about you? Anyone have a tip for resolving conflict in their own relationships?

Day 5 - Artistic Differences or What's a compromise without a shouting match to get things going?

So remember when I said this blog might end up being a metaphor for marriage? Moi = righter than rain. I've compiled the skeleton of the argument for your reading pleasure (or maybe just to make you feel better about the last stupid fight YOU had with someone you love more than life).

In summation: Kyle is a fan of representational art (ie. art that looks like the object it's supposed to). So when Elizabeth says she thinks the sky should be made out of strawberries and she wants to write poems on the ocean waves and wouldn't it be lovely if there was a green sea monster in the distance, Kyle scratches his full head of dark wavy Irish hair and blinking green eyes at her and says, most politely, "I think that would look stupid." So then Elizabeth takes a deep breath, trying not to roll her eyes at the complete idiocy of a man who couldn't possibly understand the DEPTHS of her artistic genius and says, sniff, sad look down, "Oh...Oh, well...that's okay. We don't have to do that. We'll just," sigh, brave look, "do whatever you want." Then there was some general accusatory grumbling about manipulation and some exasperated, "Why do we always have to do things YOUR way?" sorts of moments and maybe something was said about dividing assets and sleeping on the couch...and somehow, it ended with, "Let's just leave the sky part for last since we agree on the ocean and the ship" and "Okay." That's some fine conflict resolution right there!

So tonight we did some practice painting on a little extra primed canvas we'd saved from the scraps. But mostly, we just tried to remember why we thought it was important to do an art project together in the first place. Oh, yeah. Because we love each other. No, really. We do. Pay no attention to the strangling sounds. Kyle's just choking back tears. RIGHT, honey? See you guys tomorrow!