impossible until it’s not

This was in my fortune cookie the other night.

The hard things keep coming, don’t they? Sometimes I stare at the calendar and think, There is no way I will make it to May. There is no way I will make it through next week. I am so quick to jump ahead to all the things in the universe I can’t imagine shouldering right now. If we got a bill for x amount of dollars, I could not pay it. If I had to turn in my dissertation prospectus tomorrow, I wouldn’t be ready. If a giant robot took over Columbus and forced all humans underground, I wouldn’t have enough bottled water to keep us alive.

I am learning to trust. It’s slow but I’m learning. I try to think back to the all the impossible things I’ve done. Passing my candidacy exam felt impossible. It felt huge, insurmountable. But I did it. Step by step. It’s not as if one minute I was a PhD student and the next I was a PhD candidate. It was night after day after night of reading. It was one exam day at a time, one sentence at a time, one question at a time, one book at a time. It was impossible…until the moment it wasn’t.

I am struggling not to leap ahead to the next impossible thing I can’t imagine overcoming. Some days, I feel scared out of my  mind by how much feels impossible. But that is not how we are supposed to live. That is not how I want to live. 

Things are only impossible…until they are not.

love, elizabeth

Girl Confessions

Alright, Sunday. I have a confession to make…I have been trying to write this blog post in my head since yesterday and stuff’s just not flowing like it should.

1. My to-do list keeps getting longer without ever getting shorter. This does not speak well of my productivity or motivation.

2. Never watch Mad Men when you’re trying to fall asleep. Last night I dreamt about an ad campaign that combined perfume and eating by the pool that Betty Draper was somehow running. And then I turned into Betty Draper. Yeesh.

3. I’m nervous to be going home. I haven’t been back to Colorado since we moved out here and I am anxious about it. I’m nervous to see people. I want them to be proud of me, to think I’ve done well, that I haven’t let myself go or changed too much or not enough. I don’t know. It’s freaking me out a little.

4. I’m on a quest to like my hair again and trying really hard not to just be sad every time I look at how short it is. So I’m experimenting to find something to love about this haircut. Any tips?

5. I really need to be reading faster. My candidacy exam is going to be here faster than I can possibly imagine and I am so not ready.

6. My neighbor Melissa is moving to South Carolina in a few weeks and I am so freaking sad about that. I am reallyreallyreally going to miss her.

Also, she would be super mad if she knew I posted this picture. So…Melissa…if you’re reading this…hi.

7. I’ve had less desire to blog this month than normal. Maybe it’s the lack of stress I suddenly feel. Maybe it’s the lack of structure in my summer days. Maybe I’m feeling reluctant to be vulnerable lately. I’m looking for my spark. Maybe I’ll find it in Colorado somewhere.

So what’s your girl confession this week?

love, elizabeth

Just Do the Next Thing

Sometimes I write my blog post titles and think, Well, now no one needs to read the actual post. This might be one of those times.

It's easy for me to feel a little panicked with the Monday dawn. Sometimes the whole being-a-PhD-student-thing accompanied by the married-woman-thing and the volunteer-advocate-thing with a heavy helping of the being-a-grownup-thing is a tad on the overwhelming side. Sometimes I want to scream, WHO GAVE ME ALL THESE THINGS?? THERE ARE TOO MANY THINGS!

Source: earmarkinvitations.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

In an occasional fit of panic, I call my mother who gives me the advice I now know by heart. It's very good advice. And very comforting to a worried worrier like me.

"Just do the next thing," she says. "Not ALL the things. Just the next one."

So today, I am trying to focus on "just the next thing."


What about you? What helps you cope when you're feeling overwhelmed?


love, elizabeth

This Morning I Am a Wildflower

I woke up worried about money this morning. I think we’ve all had those days. The first-of-the-month bills just seemed a little daunting and the checkbook felt a little thin and I felt a lot worried so I, naturally, shook Kyle awake so he could worry with me. After about twenty minutes of listening to me go through every little miniscule detail of our finances, he murmured a reminder about this to me…

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life^? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

 

Source: flickr.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it.

– Luke 12: 22b-29 (NIV)

So this morning I am a raven, I am a wildflower. and I am putting myself back in the hands of God where I belong.

What about you? How’s your Friday going?

love, elizabeth

PS: The fall giveaway closes tonight at midnight. Have YOU entered?

“I’ll take care of you,” he said.

Today was a long day, a hard day, a battered and a bruised day, a sublime day, a no-time day, a have to sleep sometime day…

But I have Kyle. And that makes it all okay.

Tonight at church, I had passed him a note that said I was feeling under the weather, anxious, exhausted. He handed me back my note and in sprawling pencil below, he had scribbled, “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of you.”

 

Source: bourbonandpearls.tumblr.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

 

And isn’t that kind of what God says to us? I’m so quick to forget the second the worry and the fear creeps in. But doesn’t He say that? Don’t worry. I’ll take care of you.

It is a deep relief to fall into Kyle’s arms at the end of the day and say, “Hold me, I’m not strong enough to do this alone.” And as much as I forget it, this should be my prayer to God, too. Hold me. I’m not strong enough to do this alone.

love, elizabeth

PS: Giveaway on Friday morning!! I can’t wait to finally show you!

First Day of School Jitters

Tomorrow morning is my first day back at school. We’re on the quarter system and it’s slightly medieval, so that’s why we have such a late start date.

It seriously doesn’t matter how old I get, though, because the first day of school rolls around and I get a pack of butterflies in my stomach. You’d think it was the first day of kindergarten I get so nervous (you know, I counted yesterday and realized that if the university had grades, I would be in 20th grade this year).

It’s a good kind of nervous, mostly. I love school. Never mind that I’m an adult now, never mind that I’m teaching college students, I still find myself awake the night before, asking the same questions. Will I fit in? What if I’m not pretty or popular enough? Will the other kids like me? Will my students like me? What if my classes are too hard?

I guess the lesson here is, you’re never too old to get scared. I hope I remember to tell my children that.

So in honor of the first day of school, here’s a little blast from the past…

THEN

NOW

Obviously my fashion sense came at an early age. If that elephant sweater still fit…I would still wear it to class. Especially with polka-dots.

What about you? Anyone ever have a day as a grown-up where they thought, I’m not old to be doing this! I still need someone to pack my lunch and hold my hand when I cross the street?

love, elizabeth

PS: Fall giveaway the day after TOMORROW.