I HAVE SLAIN THE BEAST AND LO, HE IS DEAD.

You heard me right. My candidacy exam is OVER. 18 hours, 42 pages, $87 in library fines, and an unholy amount of coffee later and I am DONE.

I am too tired to say much of anything about it except that actually sitting down and writing was pretty fun. And that feeling when I was finally done, when I had turned it all in…it seriously felt like I had wrestled an alligator or something. 

My oral defense is next week so I’m not out of the woods yet BUT it’s out of my hands and I’m glad for that. (Don’t let this bravado fool you…I’m nervous about that, too!)

After almost six months of preparing for this exam, I am suddenly done with it. Crazy town. And I’m so excited for Thanksgiving break! I have some super fun Christmas projects I’ve been dying to get to and BLOGGING! You guys, I can blog again!!!

Thank you to everyone for all of their sweet encouragement, especially this last month. It really got me through.

love, elizabeth

If I’ve Been Neglectful…

I just wanted to take a minute to say ‘thank you’ to all the wonderful people who read this blog. Thank you for all the support and the comments and notes. Every single one of you is important to me and I value your time and thoughtfulness.

I have not been able to reciprocate and visit all the incredible blogs you write. My candidacy exams are on November 15th, 16th, and 19th and my defense is the 27th and when all of that is done…I will be making it my mission to visit your blogs and catch up on all I’ve been missing (I’m really, really looking forward to that).

Until then, I’ll be doing a lot of this.

Studying, not eating donuts. ….

love, elizabeth

Being Intentional

Here’s the thing about this semester. I feel so lost. Studying for this candidacy exam or comps or generals or whatever it is we call it…it’s completely confusing. I mean, it sounds straightforward when they explain it to you. “Read this list of books. Take a test. Defend your answers. Pass.” But right now I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of reading in four different disciplines within my field and I am petrified that I am screwing this up. I can’t read fast enough or smart enough or carefully enough. There’s the time frame, too. 18 hours of writing…18 hours??? Who thought THAT up? I don’t even know if I have 18 hours of knowledge inside of me. And no matter how many times people tell me that I don’t need to know everything in every book, I still keep trying to read every word of every sentence of every chapter and I just don’t have TIME for that. The exam is two months away and I feel like I know less than ever. All that being said…this too will pass. Like every other impossible academic thing I’ve done so far, it will happen.

I’ve been realizing that a good part of my discouragement is coming from a feeling of aimlessness. I have somehow lost my intentionality.

And it’s not just my study habits that are suffering right now. It’s my downtime. I am realizing that I need to be just as intentional about the time I’m NOT reading as the time I am. It’s not actually restful or helpful if I spend every moment away from my books feeling guilty about not reading, worrying, making lists, or watching hours of mindless television streaming on the internet. I need to be intentional about seeking real rest and real renewal. I need to be intentional about physical activity. I need to be intentional about eating balanced meals and getting enough sleep. I need to be intentional about blogging.

Blogging has been a real place of solace and peace for me in the last couple of years. I really don’t want to lose its place in my routine. But that requires intentional time. I am choosing to blog right now. I am not watching TV. I am not sleeping. And I am not studying. I am blogging.

I guess the thing I’m learning is that being intentional in any circumstance requires you to live, if only temporarily, in that present moment. I need to live inside of a moment instead of trying always to bypass it, rush through it, always planning for the next crisis. I need to be here. With you. For just this moment.

love, elizabeth

That One Time I Cried in Zappos: A True Story

Just one of those days, I guess. I spent Friday at an academic conference where I presented a paper. And I left after my panel discussion, feeling utterly inadequate and depressed. It was just not a great experience for lots of reasons. Most of which were out of my control.

Source: wikipaintings.org via Elizabeth on Pinterest

And this is how I found myself sitting on a couch in the Zappos Outlet with Beth, trying not to cry.

Trying not to cry is totally worse than crying because you get that enormous lump behind your tongue that aches all the way up into the roof of your mouth and the more you think, Don’t cry, don’t cry, the faster the tears come spilling out of the corners of your eyes like little tiny flag-waving people screaming to everyone in the store, OMGLOOKSOMETHINGISREALLYWRONGWITHTHATGIRLSITTINGONTHECOUCHINZAPPOS!!!!!!

And the more I tried not to cry, the more obvious it became until the Zappos security guard came over with a tissue and said, “Ma’am, I’m with security. If there’s anything you need from us, you just let us know.”

The only thing that is worse than trying not to cry is trying not to cry when someone you don’t know is nice to you while you’re trying not to cry.

Dear, sweet, Zappos security guard, can you please make a hole open up in the middle of the Zappos store and swallow me up so that I can cry sad, stupid tears all over my sad, stupid face without worrying about my mascara running or my glasses fogging up?

The moral of the story is…sometimes we have bad days? I don’t know. There’s no moral. Although, I’m pretty sure it should be illegal to cry in Zappos. The deals are just too good. And no one is even paying me to say that.

love, elizabeth

Studying is the New Partying

Sometimes I look at my blog and think…this is not really representative of my day-to-day. Yeah, I like to take pictures of the dog and clean the apartment and take Kyle on whimsical dates but honestly, the majority of my time is spent studying. And for as much as I sometimes long for nights without homework, I really, really love grad school. Especially when I get to read about people I really love like the playwright/journalist/novelist Djuna Barnes. I’ve spent so much time reading about Djuna, that I’ve stopped using her last name. We’re that close. On that nerdy note, if you want to read an amazing expose, a spunky young journalist wrote in 1914, go here. She is so crazy-brave in her writing and her work. Here’s a picture of her. You can just tell how sassy she is…

 

Source: google.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

 

So my point is…what was my point again? Oh, yeah, I love studying.

 

 

I’m settling in for another few hours of work and as you can see…I am prepared.

Kyle even bought me my drink of choice with his sexy, sexy partner discount. There is seriously nothing more charming than my husband holding a venti Café Misto with a shot of espresso…sigh.

Lady Starbucks isn’t bad-looking either but that’s probably just the copious amounts of caffeine talking.

Okay, back to my books…

Anything you feel nerdy about?

love, elizabeth

5 Books I Want to Read Instead of Futurist Manifestos

Still battling a head cold that’s creeping slowly into my lungs. Being sick sucks but I’m using it as an excuse to eat a cheeseburger and go to bed early. I’m pretty sure that’s allowed.

Not that I have time to read any of these right now…but hey, a girl can dream…

 

Click on any of the books to read an Amazon review…

What about you? What’s on your reading list?

love, elizabeth

Parting the Sea

I had a discouraging morning. Without boring you with the details, let’s just say I made some discoveries during a graduate school event that have reminded me of exactly HOW slim the chances of employment are for someone with a PhD in theatre. It’s actually really, really frightening. I’ve spent the last couple of hours mourning. Mourning my decision years and years ago to major in theatre and not something else, to pursue not one but THREE degrees in this field, to move across the country away from my family and friends and put myself through academic hell for this seemingly useless piece of paper. It’s a dark place, you guys.

I’ve always said that every time I’ve asked for a clear sign, God has opened the door, led me farther down this path. I said, “God, if I’m supposed to go to graduate school, please let me be accepted to the one school I really want to attend.” And then I was accepted. I said, “God, if I’m supposed to go to graduate school, please let me have funding.” And I got funding. I said, “God, if I’m supposed to get my PhD, please let me get accepted into the ONE program I applied for.” I got in. Every step, every time.

And this morning, I had a moment of anger and bewilderment. I found myself crying out to God, “Why did you bring me here to Columbus to this program? Why did you get me halfway to my doctorate only to let me discover it’s almost POINTLESS to keep going? Why didn’t you just let me major in nursing??”

And then I was struck, full-force, by a passage in the book of Exodus in the Bible. God has led Moses and the Israelites out of slavery in Egypt (uh, let’s be clear that I am in no way comparing my academic career to actual human slavery). He’s taking them to the Promised Land. God has delivered them from their captors, from their suffering. He has sent plague after plague upon their oppressors. He has delivered them at every. turn. He is actively working to fulfill their dream of freedom and hope and a new life. And then…the Pharaoh of Egypt sends his army after them, to chase them down where they are trapped against the shore of the Red Sea. And so naturally…

"The people began to panic, and they cried out to the Lord for help. […] ‘Why did you bring us out here to die in the wilderness? Weren’t there enough graves for us in Egypt? Why did you make us leave?’” (Exodus 14:10b-11, NLV).

And then…God parts. the. sea. WOW.

It’s like He says to us, “No way forward, huh? I’ll make one. If you would just trust me, Israelites. If you would just trust me, Elizabeth…Trust me and I will part the sea for you.”

 

Source: littleintrovertthings.tumblr.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

 

This morning I am so humbled by this. I have absolutely ZERO idea what the future holds. Will I finish my PhD? Will I get a tenure-track faculty position at a well-respected university? Will I do something else entirely? I don’t know.

But today, I am asking God to part the sea for me, not so that I can have the most lucrative or high-paying or well-respected job or even so that I can have a steady, stable income and career. Not even that. I am asking God to part the sea and lead me down the path to His dream for me. God, you don’t have to fulfill my dreams. But please, God, fulfill yours through me. Part the sea. And I will cross it.

What about you? What sea are you hoping to cross in your life? I hope today you are ENCOURAGED by the knowledge that God has dreams for you.

love, elizabeth

PS: Stay tuned…a Valentine’s Day giveaway is on the horizon…

The Paper That Wouldn’t Die

I don’t talk a whole lot about grad school on here because…well, because my blog is my happy, safe lala-land place where I don’t have to cite my primary sources or think too far ahead. But I thought I’d take a minute to talk about how thankful I am for school. I love my school. I love learning. I love teaching. I love my faculty. I love my students. I love my tiny mailbox in the corridor. I love my desk in the office. I love my stacks of library books and the bigger stacks of ungraded papers and my goofy student id photo. I even love the chilly early morning hike from the parking lot to my classrooms. School has been a great place for me to grow and figure out who I am, what I value, and how I can best serve my community and make art I care about at the same time.

But people…writing the modern drama paper I’m turning in today was like…well, it was kind of like this:

Every woman becomes a slave to…the paper that wouldn’t die.

love, elizabeth

Just Do the Next Thing

Sometimes I write my blog post titles and think, Well, now no one needs to read the actual post. This might be one of those times.

It's easy for me to feel a little panicked with the Monday dawn. Sometimes the whole being-a-PhD-student-thing accompanied by the married-woman-thing and the volunteer-advocate-thing with a heavy helping of the being-a-grownup-thing is a tad on the overwhelming side. Sometimes I want to scream, WHO GAVE ME ALL THESE THINGS?? THERE ARE TOO MANY THINGS!

Source: earmarkinvitations.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

In an occasional fit of panic, I call my mother who gives me the advice I now know by heart. It's very good advice. And very comforting to a worried worrier like me.

"Just do the next thing," she says. "Not ALL the things. Just the next one."

So today, I am trying to focus on "just the next thing."


What about you? What helps you cope when you're feeling overwhelmed?


love, elizabeth

Thesis Acknowledgements Page: the unauthorized version

I’m still working on the acknowledgement page for my final thesis draft but I realized there were a few important people/things that deserved a slice of gratitude pie that I probably wouldn’t be allowed to mention in an official academic document. So in honor of my (hopefully) impending graduation, I present…

Acknowledgements Page: the unauthorized version
Undying (read: Zombie) love and highly mushy feelings for my poor, neglected husband, who for the last several months, has lived with a shell of the woman he married and tolerated a huge amount of mumbling about footnotes and interview transcripts over dinner (read: peanut butter and jelly) and stress-snoring every weekend.

Original Photo Credit: Night of the Living Dead
Big slobbery kisses and hugs to the many friends and colleagues who let me ponder, whine, cry, complain, worry, rant, rave, brag, process, and/or otherwise emote about all things thesis-related. Among them: Sarah, Beth, Kate, Emily P., Emily D., Francesca, Jill, John, Robin and the Facebook community-at-large.
I’d like to thank Five Hour Energy for helping me defy the need for sleep (also, the laws of space and time). Hallucinating spiders and musical notes after 28 hours up has never been so easy.

Mucho gratitude to Netflix Instant Watch for their generous support of my procrastination. Thanks, especially, for the obscure series runs. Who knew that I would have a deep-seated need to watch all eights seasons of Cheers? Why, Netflix, that’s who.
A special thank-you to my dog, Madigan, for making typing impossible. I’ve been trying to describe to people exactly how she does this. Here’s the best I can come up with:
Me: (typing)
COLD, WET NOSE NUDGES ELBOW.
Me: Hi, Maddy.
COLD, WET NOSE MANAGES TO SHOVE ENTIRE FLUFFY HEAD UNDER ELBOW.
Me: Uh…hey…
SCRAMBLE, SCRAMBLE ONTO LAP. PLEASED GRIN.
Me: (now trying to type with dog blocking entire laptop screen)
FURRY HEAD PUTS ENTIRE BODY WEIGHT ON TOP OF ARM.
Me: (relax arm)
FUZZY BODY STRETCH OUT ON TOP OF ARMS.
Me: (lift arms to type again)
LONE PAW APPEARS ON ARM.
Me: What do you want, Madigan?
CHIN RESTS ON HAND. CUE LONG-SUFFERING PUPPY SIGH.
Me: (give up rest of afternoon to belly rubs and snuggling)

FASHION NOTE: Oh, hey, and here I am shopping for my commencement regalia. I’m thinking of going with black polyester…it just feels right.

Working Hard or Hardly Working: a day in the life of a grad student

I haven’t talked much about graduate school on this blog but now that I am in my last quarter as a master’s student (and about to begin my PhD), I thought maybe some of you might like to see a typical day for me on campus.

This is right across from one of the buildings where I teach.

The café where I buy my morning Starbucks…

Obviously the caffeine hasn’t hit me, yet.

I teach in this building. Obviously, this is the closest I will ever come to actual engineering.

This is one of my classrooms. One of my students was nice enough to take a picture. And that's a quote from the beginning of Twelfth Night on the board behind me.

After class, I decided to take the scenic route and show you some of my favorite spots on campus. I don’t always have time to go the pretty way but thankfully, I did on Thursday!

Pretty old buildings that I never have any reason to visit.

There were hundreds of pinwheels on one of the South Oval lawns as a part of project to end child abuse. They were beautiful with the sun shining right on them.

I love this tree. And the eye painted on it.

My hands-down best-loved spot at the university, Mirror Lake. I sat here and ate my lunch and watched people feed the birds. Obviously, none of them read THIS sign:

I’m not going to say this is slightly overdramatic signage but…I’m thinking it. And for anyone who doesn’t already know where I go to school, here you go…

If you’re not familiar, football is kind of the only thing that matters here. Go Bucks. I considered that maybe the bloggingverse shouldn't know where I attend graduate school. But I go to school with 56,000 people. Good luck stalking me.
It
My mailbox in the grad corridor…

And the office where I hold hours…

The rec center (where people with great tan lines and big muscles like to work out)

Brutus the mascot dressed as a mime and The Phantom of the Opera.
Don’t laugh, he’s a very multi-faceted nut. 
So this post was mostly pictures…hope you liked them!