How to Give Advice

I am, like a lot of people, really interested in fixing problems. I like solutions, resolutions, and conclusions. I like identifying the problem. I like finding the answer. And I looooooooooove it when people ask for my advice. It makes me feel important and respected and valued. It makes me needed. But I am learning things about giving advice. So here it is in all its ironic glory…my advice on giving advice:

- Sometimes people just need to be heard.

We’ve all heard this before. “Just listen – don’t try to fix it.” It sounds deceptively easy but I am going to challenge you. The next time someone starts telling you about her fight with her boyfriend or his difficulty sleeping, is your first instinct to mentally prepare an answer for them? As they’re speaking, are you already listing off possible solutions to their problem? As hard as it is, try to redirect your focus to hear what they’re really feeling in that moment. Don’t worry about having an answer prepared. Be in the moment of struggle WITH them.

- Listen for what isn’t said.

My tendency is often to rush to answer the question I think I hear. But sometimes that means I miss what is really being asked. Try to hear the silence. Try to hear the real question under all the stuff that comes pouring out.

- Reflect back what you’re hearing.

This is an active listening tool that many of us are familiar with but we forget to use it. It doesn’t have to be fakey and therapist-like if you use it simply: “Okay, what I hear you saying is that this and this are the biggest problems. Is that you’re feeling?”

- The problem-haver is often the best problem-solver.

Yes, I have some awesome ideas that will probably totally fix your issue. They will make your life easier. You will probably spend the rest of your problem-free eternity dancing with puppies inside of rainbow-covered theme parks. But, in my experience, you probably already have the answer that you need. Chances are really good that you might already KNOW that you have the answer you need. Sometimes you just need someone to help you ask the question. Before I offer advice, I try to ask, “So what do you want to do?” or “So what choices do you feel like you have right now?” If I can help you solve your own problem, instead of me just telling you what I think the answer is, you’re much more likely to find a solution that is a) actually helpful and b) one that you will actually use.

- Ask more, offer less.

This goes with the point above but if my friend is still stuck between choices, I might be able to ask: “So if you made this choice that you mentioned before, how do you think that might feel?” or “It sounds like these three things you mentioned are your best options – which one feels like the best (not the perfect) solution for right now?” Keep asking them to talk about how they’re feeling. Most people don’t have safe spaces to reflect with another person. Help make it safe for them to do that by asking open-ended questions.

- Sometimes there isn’t an answer.

Have you ever been in a situation where someone asked you advice but no matter how many different solutions you suggested, NOTHING seemed to help? They shot down every idea, there was a pitfall in every possibility you offered? Yeah, me too. Sometimes this means what we’ve already discussed here – that they don’t necessarily need you to give them a solution, they need you to hear them. But it might also mean there isn’t an answer. I know. That feels crazy. Maybe the answer exists. Maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it will be clear later. Maybe there are no good solutions, just temporary fixes or choices that are less horrible than others. Maybe neither of you has the answer. If either one of you has conversations with God, this is a good time for that. Actually, every time is a good time for that. I think sometimes, in the end, it’s okay to say, “Wow, I have no idea how I would handle that situation but I am really feeling for you right now. I’m here to hear you.”

- If you absolutely must straight-up offer advice, try owning it as something from your perspective.

“When I imagine myself dealing with that problem that you are having, I feel like I would do such-and-such a thing and here is why. I don’t know if that helps you. What are you thinking right now?”

- Lastly, don’t give advice unless you’re asked.

That’s just an open invitation to alienate someone you care about. I don’t care how nicely you try to phrase it. “Do you mind if I offer you a piece of advice?” pretty much always feels like judgment. Listen, reflect back, ask questions, hear them. If they ask what you think, own your feelings and advice as your own, not as a universal problem-solver.

 

So there you have it. Some unsolicited advice on advice. What would you add? Who in your life gives the best advice? What makes their advice helpful? What makes advice NOT helpful?

love, elizabeth

PS: Still working to catch up on blog prompts. Yayyyyy!

How to Do Laundry in Public

I recently used a laundromat. I know. Stop the presses. Your world has been forever altered. The truth is, we used to do all of our laundry at the laundromat. Then we got cool enough to rent an apartment with its own laundry room. And we got a little spoiled. It was mere STEPS to wash and dry our clothes. We could (and did) do our laundry at one in the morning. Our new apartment also has a laundry room. It is, perhaps, less luxurious and more limited than our last. After waiting almost three hours to get through one load of laundry in the shared space (that closes at 8 pm), I threw my hands up in surrender and drove to a little place I like to call the Clintonville Coin Laundry. That’s right. They’re so cool, they even have a website. Also, an extra spin cycle, free wifi, and a requisite bespectacled hipster manning the counter. It may have been a few years since I’ve used a laundromat but I have to say, I think they’ve gotten cooler. Maybe you’re a laundromat veteran. But, just in case you’re not, I thought you might appreciate Elizabeth’s Totally Obvious Guide to Public Laundry Facilities.

1. Scope out the joint. Can you see a group of empty washers near each other? If you’re doing more than one load, this will be helpful.

2. Consider the time of day and week. Nights and weekends are going to be the busiest times because, just like you and me (or maybe just me), everyone waits until they’re down to the last pair of underoos before making the pilgrimage to the coin laundry.

3. Practice courtesy. If it’s busy, maybe you really shouldn’t take up six washers at once (like, cough, me). And whether you have one load or ten, be prompt about moving wet clothes to the dryer and dry clothes to your basket. No one likes a Maytag hog.

4. Laundromats require change but luckily, most of them have one of these:

If this change machine is out of service, it is probably because a) you are in a hurry, b) all the banks are now closed, or c) you only have a $20 bill. My advice is to carry small bills and be nice to everyone. You never know when you might have to ask a stranger for quarters.

5. Pay attention to the inside of empty washers and dryers. In a public laundry, you have basically no way of knowing if the person before you used bleach in their cycle and left chemical residue in the machine. If they did, your bath towels might end up discolored or stained like my last three sets. Also, check dryers for things like gum, hair, tissues, crayons, chap stick, tar, or pen ink before loading your wet clothes. If only, if only someone had been around to tell me that an Oxford button-up ago.

6. Follow directions for detergent carefully. Commercial machines can be different than the ones we’re used to at home and you risk over-sudsing clothes or causing other issues.

7. Ask the attendant for help. Every washer model has a different set of terms to define cycle choices. Some machines have little tricks to getting them started. Sometimes dryers make horrible, scary noises. Not sure what’s going on? Ask.

8. If you notice you’re having trouble getting certain heavier items (like denim) to fully dry, try putting one of your bath towels in the mix. The fluffy terry cloth will help absorb some of that moisture and things will dry out a little faster.

9. Fold at the laundromat. Use the handy-dandy folding tables that basically none of us have at home. This keeps wrinkles from setting in (If you sort your loads into clothing type – tops, bottoms, underwear, towels, this will be easier.) It also saves you from the grossness three days later when you realize you never actually ended up folding that basket of clean laundry, can’t remember if you washed that cardigan or not, and end up rewashing everything. Much to my mother’s horror, I speak from personal experience.

10. Stay safe. I’ve never felt too skeeved out in a laundromat but if you’re ever feeling weird or uncertain about someone in the parking lot or someone in the building, do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Keep your cell phone handy. If you’re doing laundry at night, park in a well-lit area visible from the inside. If you don’t feel safe walking to your car, ask the attendant if they would mind walking you. It might feel like an overreaction but feeling safe is that important.

11. Don’t get bored. Bring a book, people-watch, write a letter, live-tweet the entire process, make friends with your fellow laundry-doers.

Alright, your turn. Have a public laundry tip to pass on? Have a weird laundromat story?

Be sure to check out Elizabeth’s Totally Obvious Guide to Using Public Restrooms.

love, elizabeth

How to Go to the Bathroom in Public

Wow, okay. That title may be misleading. A better one: How to Use a Public Restroom Without Being a Jerk

Using public restrooms is something that most of us have to do at some point in our day. Since most of us have to do it, it seems like a skill set we’d have down cold. Apparently not, though. So here it is, Elizabeth’s Totally Obvious Guide to Using Public Restrooms:

1. Wash. Your. Hands.* ** ***

2. If you encounter a door that doesn’t swing, always knock. After you knock, listen for at least 5 seconds before proceeding to try the handle.

3. If you are currently having a private bathroom moment and you hear a knock at the door, please, for the love of Lysol, say something. “Someone’s in here!” is perfectly fine. Also acceptable: “Occupado!” or “Just a second!” or “Congress and I are passing a bill, hold on!”

4. If you are a parent and have brought your small, ambulatory toddler into the public restroom with you, please, please, please do not let them crawl under other people’s stalls to say ‘hello.’ This is a confounding situation that leads to awkward staring. I never know what to do when this happens. Should I have a conversation with your child? Should we shake hands? It seems rude not to.

5. Be neighborly. Say, for example, you enter a stall and, realizing there is no toilet paper, move to the next stall. A few moments later, another woman enters that stall. Kindly gather a goodly bunch of toilet paper from your own roll and extend it underneath the stall at least four inches above the floor.  For goodness’ sake, ladies, that could have been your mother, your sister, your best friend!

6. The Rule of Stool: If you wouldn’t leave it sitting, unflushed, unhindered, or sitting out in your own bathroom, you really shouldn’t leave it in a public restroom for perfect strangers to experience.

7. What happens in the powder room stays in the powder room. Like Las Vegas but with more fluorescent lighting. 

*With soap.

**For at least 20 seconds, according to the Center for Disease Control. (I checked.)

***You should also scrub underneath your nails and you should turn the faucet off with the paper towel you have used to dry your hands. If you want to be extra fancy, you can use your paper towel to open the restroom door before you throw it away.

Help me out. What public restroom tip do you wish you could pass on?

love, elizabeth

Watch Me Cook A Turkey

Well, guys…your life-long dream has come true because this morning, in a weird need to connect with the rest of the world (because I am all alone all day cooking while Kyle is slaving away at Starbucks), I made a YouTube video about cooking our turkey. It’s riveting stuff.

In all seriousness, oven bags really do make turkeys a breeze. So if you’re totally bored and feel like watching me be silly about Thanksgiving, here you go…

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I forgot to mention three things in the video: one, don’t forget to cut several 1/2 slits in the top of the bag before putting it in the oven, two, oven bags cut down turkey cooking time by almost a half, and three, I clearly have no life.

So how’s everyone’s day going? Anyone cooking the whole feast alone? I’m feeling needy. Happy, happy Thanksgiving! I’m especially thankful for all of you…

love, elizabeth