How to Give Advice

I am, like a lot of people, really interested in fixing problems. I like solutions, resolutions, and conclusions. I like identifying the problem. I like finding the answer. And I looooooooooove it when people ask for my advice. It makes me feel important and respected and valued. It makes me needed. But I am learning things about giving advice. So here it is in all its ironic glory…my advice on giving advice:

- Sometimes people just need to be heard.

We’ve all heard this before. “Just listen – don’t try to fix it.” It sounds deceptively easy but I am going to challenge you. The next time someone starts telling you about her fight with her boyfriend or his difficulty sleeping, is your first instinct to mentally prepare an answer for them? As they’re speaking, are you already listing off possible solutions to their problem? As hard as it is, try to redirect your focus to hear what they’re really feeling in that moment. Don’t worry about having an answer prepared. Be in the moment of struggle WITH them.

- Listen for what isn’t said.

My tendency is often to rush to answer the question I think I hear. But sometimes that means I miss what is really being asked. Try to hear the silence. Try to hear the real question under all the stuff that comes pouring out.

- Reflect back what you’re hearing.

This is an active listening tool that many of us are familiar with but we forget to use it. It doesn’t have to be fakey and therapist-like if you use it simply: “Okay, what I hear you saying is that this and this are the biggest problems. Is that you’re feeling?”

- The problem-haver is often the best problem-solver.

Yes, I have some awesome ideas that will probably totally fix your issue. They will make your life easier. You will probably spend the rest of your problem-free eternity dancing with puppies inside of rainbow-covered theme parks. But, in my experience, you probably already have the answer that you need. Chances are really good that you might already KNOW that you have the answer you need. Sometimes you just need someone to help you ask the question. Before I offer advice, I try to ask, “So what do you want to do?” or “So what choices do you feel like you have right now?” If I can help you solve your own problem, instead of me just telling you what I think the answer is, you’re much more likely to find a solution that is a) actually helpful and b) one that you will actually use.

- Ask more, offer less.

This goes with the point above but if my friend is still stuck between choices, I might be able to ask: “So if you made this choice that you mentioned before, how do you think that might feel?” or “It sounds like these three things you mentioned are your best options – which one feels like the best (not the perfect) solution for right now?” Keep asking them to talk about how they’re feeling. Most people don’t have safe spaces to reflect with another person. Help make it safe for them to do that by asking open-ended questions.

- Sometimes there isn’t an answer.

Have you ever been in a situation where someone asked you advice but no matter how many different solutions you suggested, NOTHING seemed to help? They shot down every idea, there was a pitfall in every possibility you offered? Yeah, me too. Sometimes this means what we’ve already discussed here – that they don’t necessarily need you to give them a solution, they need you to hear them. But it might also mean there isn’t an answer. I know. That feels crazy. Maybe the answer exists. Maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it will be clear later. Maybe there are no good solutions, just temporary fixes or choices that are less horrible than others. Maybe neither of you has the answer. If either one of you has conversations with God, this is a good time for that. Actually, every time is a good time for that. I think sometimes, in the end, it’s okay to say, “Wow, I have no idea how I would handle that situation but I am really feeling for you right now. I’m here to hear you.”

- If you absolutely must straight-up offer advice, try owning it as something from your perspective.

“When I imagine myself dealing with that problem that you are having, I feel like I would do such-and-such a thing and here is why. I don’t know if that helps you. What are you thinking right now?”

- Lastly, don’t give advice unless you’re asked.

That’s just an open invitation to alienate someone you care about. I don’t care how nicely you try to phrase it. “Do you mind if I offer you a piece of advice?” pretty much always feels like judgment. Listen, reflect back, ask questions, hear them. If they ask what you think, own your feelings and advice as your own, not as a universal problem-solver.

 

So there you have it. Some unsolicited advice on advice. What would you add? Who in your life gives the best advice? What makes their advice helpful? What makes advice NOT helpful?

love, elizabeth

PS: Still working to catch up on blog prompts. Yayyyyy!

How to Go to the Bathroom in Public

Wow, okay. That title may be misleading. A better one: How to Use a Public Restroom Without Being a Jerk

Using public restrooms is something that most of us have to do at some point in our day. Since most of us have to do it, it seems like a skill set we’d have down cold. Apparently not, though. So here it is, Elizabeth’s Totally Obvious Guide to Using Public Restrooms:

1. Wash. Your. Hands.* ** ***

2. If you encounter a door that doesn’t swing, always knock. After you knock, listen for at least 5 seconds before proceeding to try the handle.

3. If you are currently having a private bathroom moment and you hear a knock at the door, please, for the love of Lysol, say something. “Someone’s in here!” is perfectly fine. Also acceptable: “Occupado!” or “Just a second!” or “Congress and I are passing a bill, hold on!”

4. If you are a parent and have brought your small, ambulatory toddler into the public restroom with you, please, please, please do not let them crawl under other people’s stalls to say ‘hello.’ This is a confounding situation that leads to awkward staring. I never know what to do when this happens. Should I have a conversation with your child? Should we shake hands? It seems rude not to.

5. Be neighborly. Say, for example, you enter a stall and, realizing there is no toilet paper, move to the next stall. A few moments later, another woman enters that stall. Kindly gather a goodly bunch of toilet paper from your own roll and extend it underneath the stall at least four inches above the floor.  For goodness’ sake, ladies, that could have been your mother, your sister, your best friend!

6. The Rule of Stool: If you wouldn’t leave it sitting, unflushed, unhindered, or sitting out in your own bathroom, you really shouldn’t leave it in a public restroom for perfect strangers to experience.

7. What happens in the powder room stays in the powder room. Like Las Vegas but with more fluorescent lighting. 

*With soap.

**For at least 20 seconds, according to the Center for Disease Control. (I checked.)

***You should also scrub underneath your nails and you should turn the faucet off with the paper towel you have used to dry your hands. If you want to be extra fancy, you can use your paper towel to open the restroom door before you throw it away.

Help me out. What public restroom tip do you wish you could pass on?

love, elizabeth

5 Ways to Conquer Stress

Today I’m presenting at a conference in Kentucky which means…I am far away from my baby blog. In my absence, my dear blog-friend Ashley has come over to share her expertise as a counselor with all of us….leave her some love, please. And be sure to check out her blog, A Recipe for Sanity for great cooking tips, thoughts on learning to love herself, and life with her sweet guy…Ashley is on my regular reading list for a reason. If you haven’t met yet, I’ll think you’ll LOVE her!

………………..

Like all of you, I wear many hats. I work full time; I’m a master’s student in Marriage and Family Therapy (which means they’ve actually unleashed me on real people with real problems!), and I’m also a partner to Rob, the most incredible guy on the planet. You can see how sometimes things get a bit hectic.

I’ve realized over the years the importance of taking care of myself so that I can take care of others. Without self-care, I wind up sitting in the corner, crying and eating my hair. (Okay, maybe not exactly like that, but just talk to Rob. He’ll tell you it’s pretty close!) The lovely Elizabeth has asked me to share with you five ways to manage stress and take care of yourself, so here goes:

1. Pamper Yourself: Do something calming for both your mind and your body. This could be anything that relaxes you, and it doesn’t have to cost much, if anything at all! I’m a grad student, so I don’t always have the money to go out and get a pedicure or a massage. But I’ll pamper myself by giving myself a home pedicure, or using a face mask that makes me look like a member of the Blue Man Group. I’ll light a candle, take a long shower, and relax with a television show or movie that only I enjoy. Moments like this that are just for me really help me to manage stress and feel more balanced.
2. Move It!: I am so guilty of putting this on the back burner, but finding a physical activity that you enjoy is huge in managing stress. It could be anything you like: a run in your favorite park, a yoga class with a friend, or a zumba video you got from the library. Even if you go outside just to enjoy nature and look around, it’s great for your mind and body and will reduce your stress level. If you’re like me and you’re always putting the other things on your to-do list before this, schedule it in!
   

   Source: itsfitnessbaby.blogspot.com via Ashley on Pinterest

3. Eat Something (But Not Just Anything!): I notice that when I’m really busy and stressed, I tend to grab for the first thing I can eat quickly. The problem with that is that those meals are usually not what my body needs to feel energized and ready to face a long day. Lately, I’ve been making more of an effort to have healthy foods on hand, like pieces of fruit and yogurts I can just grab from the fridge. I know we’ve all heard it before, but I’ve noticed that when I’m getting the kind of nutrition my body needs to power through a 14+ hour day, I feel so much better. As tempting as it is, don’t skip meals because you’re too busy, and plan ahead so that you are eating delicious foods that support your crazy-busy lifestyle!
4. Rant If You Need To: I’m serious: I believe in the therapeutic power of venting to friends, on your blog, to your cat…whatever works for you. Holding negative emotions in is only going to increase the blow-up when you finally lose it later (or am I just talking about myself?). When you have a bad day, tell someone about it or do something physical (kickboxing class, perhaps?) to express your emotions.
   

   Source: someecards.com via Ashley on Pinterest

5. Get Some Sleep: I know, I know. You’ve heard this one before. The busier you are and the more stress you have, the less sleep you might be getting each night. Everyone tells you to get those 8 hours, but I know firsthand that it doesn’t always work that way. Still, get as much sleep as you can. Try to unwind before bed with a book or other relaxing activity. Make sleep a priority so that you can get the rest you need to conquer another busy day and keep your stress levels down.

- Ashley

 

Source: mylifecoachsparkles.blogspot.com via Ashley on Pinterest

 

See what I mean? Ashley needs to be MY counselor! Go here to check out her blog.

What about you? What ways do you manage stress for yourself?

love, elizabeth

Just Do the Next Thing

Sometimes I write my blog post titles and think, Well, now no one needs to read the actual post. This might be one of those times.

It's easy for me to feel a little panicked with the Monday dawn. Sometimes the whole being-a-PhD-student-thing accompanied by the married-woman-thing and the volunteer-advocate-thing with a heavy helping of the being-a-grownup-thing is a tad on the overwhelming side. Sometimes I want to scream, WHO GAVE ME ALL THESE THINGS?? THERE ARE TOO MANY THINGS!

Source: earmarkinvitations.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

In an occasional fit of panic, I call my mother who gives me the advice I now know by heart. It's very good advice. And very comforting to a worried worrier like me.

"Just do the next thing," she says. "Not ALL the things. Just the next one."

So today, I am trying to focus on "just the next thing."


What about you? What helps you cope when you're feeling overwhelmed?


love, elizabeth

"Don't Be a Butthead" and 7 Other Things My Husband Has Taught Me

First, I'm sorry to my small group of readers/followers. Not only did I get hit with the regular holiday busy-ness but I have since started one of the more intense periods of grad school (the traditional pull-your-hair-out-and-howl-at-the-moon phase, aka: thesis writing). But this is a post I've been thinking about for awhile and I thought I would share here.

Winston Churchill tells us that criticism is necessary, that "it calls attention to an unhealthy state of things." All the same, I don't know anyone who truly enjoys receiving criticism. We might put on a brave, smiling face in its onslaught, all the time seething inwardly and hating ourselves for being less than perfection. Or maybe that's just me. Abraham Lincoln says, "He has a right to criticize who has a heart to help." I don't know about any of you, but I've experienced plenty of criticism that didn't feel much like help. It mostly just felt like "ouch."

So put yourself in the defensive crouch that I work myself into at the start of every day as I wait for someone to inform me of what I am already, constantly, painfully aware: I am not perfect(I'm sure this comes as a quite a shock to all of you). It's the day after Christmas and post-presents, roast beast, and merriment, we're at home in our little apartment. Without rehashing the entire evening, I'll explain that my brother was elaborating on a video game that he really loves and I, in a bad mood for reasons that don't really matter, brushed off his conversation with something like, "Yeah, yeah, whatever." This went on for a few minutes during which I grew ruder and ruder until Kyle, the love of my life, my best friend IN the universe, says from over the breakfast bar, "Elizabeth...don't be a butthead."

Of course, my first reaction was to be angry, defensive, hurt even. I am a scolded child. I mean, I think, he's a butthead ALL THE TIME and I never say ANYTHING! I give my husband a dirty look from across the room. I slam the door. I don't speak to him for half an hour. And I ponder, was I a butthead? Of course, I was. I had been selfish and rude and unkind and generally focused on myself instead of my baby brother whom I see rarely. In short...a butthead. I am already sorry, of course, but I don't want to admit it. I don't want to say those horrible little words, "I was wrong." I stew. I pout. I frown. And then I suck it up and tell Kyle he was right.

And this, you guys, is a HUGE moment. Not because I'm so mature for admitting I was wrong or because my brother and I overcame some huge conflict or even because I recognize my buttheaded-ness (it's a word) but because I have a husband with "a heart to help" and I haven't ever seen it this clearly before...

So here are some things I've learned from Kyle in the time that I have been privileged to know him so far. The list grows every day but here's a few:

1. Always say 'I love you' when you have the chance. You don't know how many more opportunities you will get before they're gone. (Kyle lost his brother, Orion, at the age of 29.)

2. Don't be so afraid of getting hurt, being uncomfortable, or breaking your heart (or arms, legs, and toes) that you miss out on all the scary things worth doing (falling in love, moving across the country, skateboarding off a roof).

3. There is power in laughter. If you have a sense of humor about yourself, no one can use laughter against you. If your fight isn't about life, death, or taxes, it's okay to laugh (it's probably okay to laugh, anyway).

4. God is not afraid of our pain or our toughest questions.

5. Confidence is not an ethereal quality that is given to some and not to others. It demands practice. (This is what Kyle tries to explain every time I complain that I get lost when I drive by myself or tell him I'm not strong enough to do something.)

6. Beauty is not in the perfect notes or shapes or words or colors. It's in the mistakes and space and silences that come as we strive to find it. (punk music at our wedding ceremony, Sharpie doodles on utility bills and take-out containers, and the nose crooked from being broken so many times).

7. Popcorn is better with soy sauce. (I didn't believe this until I tried it).

So to anyone reading this, I'm thinking good New Year's thoughts for you. If you can't laugh at yourself, you can at least laugh at me!

Yours affectionately,

The Butthead