Rape Jokes

If you clicked on this, you might be asking yourself if Elizabeth really needed to write a blog post about why rape jokes make her uncomfortable. I mean, you might be thinking, isn’t that kind of a given? WARNING: SENSITIVE MATERIAL AHEAD. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
This post is not going to be a formal argument against rape jokes. It's not going to analyze rape humor or talk about potential ways that humor can be used to critique rape culture. I could probably write one a post like that but Lindy West did it so much better and no way am I going to try and compete with Lindy West. You should definitely read her article, though. It made me do some serious fist-pumps of agreement and general solidarity. I love Lindy. She is the internet-famous person I would most like to meet IRL.

But today we’re supposed to write about something that makes us uncomfortable so I’m going to talk for a second about how rape jokes make me feel.

Bad. Rape jokes make me feel bad. If you’ve been reading this blog for awhile, you know that I volunteer for a local rape crisis center, working with survivors of sexual assault. I’m not going to get into the specifics here but my own life has been touched by sexual violence in a variety of ways. So when I hear jokes that make light of sexual violence, or domestic violence, or child molestation, it actually physically hurts. It makes me feel all kinds of concern for the hundreds of thousands of survivors who get to live in a culture that has no problem victimizing them again and again. Being a survivor of sexual violence means more than just having my consent taken away or having no power over my own body. It means that I will be told by friends and family and strangers, in a million different ways, that what happened to me was my fault, that I did something to cause it, that I deserve it. So when I hear a joke that makes light of an issue (or even the word) rape, it makes me uncomfortable.

When I hear a joke about a woman getting beaten up, it makes me uncomfortable.

When I hear a joke about a drunk girl at a party, it makes me uncomfortable.

When I hear a joke about someone being molested, it makes me uncomfortable.

When I hear a joke about prison rape, it makes me uncomfortable (because men are raped, too, and that is also wrong).

When I hear a joke about how “lucky” a boy was that his female teacher had sex with him, it makes me uncomfortable.

When I hear someone explain to me that they laugh at rape jokes because they “just have a dark sense of humor” or they’re just “edgy,” it makes me uncomfortable.

When I hear someone say that they are a survivor of rape and they think that rape jokes are funny, it makes me uncomfortable (each of us can speak only from our own experience). I don’t want to de-validate why that survivor finds that joke funny but I wonder if part of it has to do with needing to laugh because not laughing is another way of opening yourself up to vulnerability and the possibility of re-victimization. I don’t know this but I wonder it inside of my self.

Uncomfortable is the wrong word, really. It makes me feel exhausted and betrayed.  It makes me feel heartsick and tired and broken. And small.

If you or someone you know needs to talk, here is the toll-free number for the National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673). It’s safe and anonymous and you can call any time. You can also use their online hotline by going here.

If you are someone who hears rape jokes, from your friends, your coworkers, your family, even…you can make a difference by not laughing. By letting them know how hearing that might make you feel or make someone else feel. You can help make others feel safer in the world.

love, elizabeth

Why the Steubenville Ruling Matters

I know this is not the sunny St. Patrick’s post that I was anticipating writing but I’ve got something else on the brain. I’m about to get a little more serious than I normally am on this blog so I’d like to extend a caution to anyone reading who might be triggered by reading a graphic post about sexual violence.

In a world full of troubling things, very little has been as troubling for me as the Steubenville rape case. I’m not going to use this space to rehash the very public and explicit details of the case. All of that information is available online. I recommend extra care be taken if you decide to read or investigate farther. I have been a hospital advocate for rape survivors for three years and have heard some incredibly difficult things – this still turned my stomach in a really big way.

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So why am I talking about this? Today, Trent Mays and Ma’lik Richmond were found guilty of rape and sentenced to a minimum of one year in a youth correctional facility. Mays will serve an additional year for the transmission of nude photographs of a minor. Both Mays and Richmond will be registered sex offenders. Read the news story here. I don’t know about you but that feels like two rapists just practically got away with it. As someone who has been personally affected by sexual violence, I’ve got to say…this doesn’t feel like real justice. But as I’ve been ruminating on this today, a few things have come up for me. So here they are, the reasons I think the Steubenville Ruling is really important:

1. Rape almost never gets punished. I mean, like…almost ever. According to RAINN, only 3 out of 100 rapists will ever spend a day in prison for their crime. 3%. In fact, I am hard-pressed to think of an example of a recent rape conviction off the top of my head. So seeing two perpetrators legally convicted and sentenced for their crimes is a pretty cathartic experience for me.

2. This particular case contradicts some of our culture’s favorites lies about sexual violence: “It’s not rape if she’s drunk,” “It’s not rape if it wasn’t physically violent,” “It’s not rape if he didn’t penetrate her with his penis,” “It’s not rape if she has a reputation,” “It’s not rape if you know the person,” “It’s not rape if you were just joking around,” “It’s not rape if she didn’t say ‘no…” To have a situation like the one in Steubenville held up as an example of sexual assault is important because it loudly says that these above statements are false, false, false. The Steubenville ruling calls attention to all kinds of rape myths.

3. It holds young people accountable for their actions. The heartbreaking truth is that Mays and Richmond are kids. They’re not “hardened criminals” or serial killers. They’re children. As a (hopefully) future parent, I am seeing the ways in which kids are not being held responsible for their choices. I can’t imagine what these boys’ parents must be feeling right now but I am thankful for the Steubenville ruling because more young men and young women need to see actual consequences for sexual violence.

4. Because sexual violence is happening. It’s happening to people we know. It’s happening in our schools and churches and communities. And the reality is, something like 54% of those instances went unreported last year and probably 54% will go unreported this year. So the Steubenville ruling, the stupidly little bit of jail time Mays and Richmond will get, the conviction, the sentence – it matters. Especially if just one more woman, one more man, one more child, feels empowered enough to come forward and say, “This happened to me and it’s not okay and I don’t have to be quiet about it because rape is wrong and rapists get punished.”

5. Maybe one of the most powerful lessons to come out of the Steubenville trial is this pervasive image of the bystander. I was so struck by this paragraph in the news article I read today [emphases are mine]:

"It wasn't violent," explained teammate Evan Westlake when asked why he didn't stop the two defendants as they abused a non-moving girl that Westlake knew to be highly intoxicated. "I always pictured it as forcing yourself on someone." […]

At one point of the night of the incident, Westlake, who was sober, determined that his friend Mark Cole was too drunk to make a 10-minute drive home. At first, Cole refused to turn over his keys, claiming he could operate his Volkswagen Jetta just fine. Westlake was undeterred, though, eventually "tricking" Cole by waiting for him to relax and then forcibly seizing the keys.

Yet maybe a half-hour later, Westlake walked in on the girl, sprawled out naked in the middle of a basement floor. To her side was Mays, exposed and slapping his penis on the girl's hip. Behind her was Richmond, who, Westlake said, was violating her with two fingers.

Westlake said goodbye to the guys and kept walking. A good friend with his eye on the safety of others just minutes before was suddenly unaware or unsure of what to do – or simply uncaring enough to do anything at all.

If Steubenville can teach us anything, it’s that the bystander has power to change the course of events. I would like to believe that most teenagers, or just people, who witnessed this moment would know that it was wrong, that it shouldn’t have been happening. But how many of them would be able to act? How many would know what to say? How many of them would be brave enough? We are all responsible for our own choices and Evan Westlake made a choice to keep his mouth shut. He has to own that for the rest of his life. But what a picture we are left with! The bystander who could have made the difference for this girl. And did nothing. I don’t honestly know why Evan Westlake made that choice. And yet, I am filled with a sense of renewed purpose. If I could speak right now with my future children, if I could offer them something to make them braver, to guide them, I would say, If you see something happening that shouldn’t be happening, say something. You are powerful. Your voice matters. Everyone’s voice matters. And if someone has their voice taken away, HELP THEM GET IT BACK.

 

elizabeth

My first 5K…

I spent part of this weekend at the 5K Race to Eliminate Sexual Violence sponsored by the Ohio National Guard, the Sexual Assault Response Network of Central Ohio (SARNCO), and Deaf Women Against Violence Everywhere (DWAVE). Race proceeds went to benefit SARNCO and DWAVE in assisting sexual violence survivors in Columbus. I’ve done other cause walks before but this has been my favorite so far.

I’m a walker, not a runner, but as you guys know, this issue is really close to my heart and I was really, really jazzed to participate! Kyle actually registered to race with me but he’s been running a fever all weekend and I didn’t want him to get sicker running in the rain so I went solo this time.

Some of the speakers talking about ending violence in our community…

Some of the images I have of today are going to stick with me for a long time, in the best possible way…a father carrying his daughter on his shoulders…another father running with a stroller and twins…a woman with a picture of a survivor (her sister maybe?) pinned next to her race id…and this shot I got as we climbed the last hill…a boy and a girl, probably in their teens, held hands for the last mile.

This race wasn’t just about raising money or awareness or even running. It was about consciously, physically moving in opposition to sexual violence. If you haven’t run or walked for a charity or cause before, it has to be the most empowering feeling being surrounded by 200 other people who are saying that violence in our world is not okay and they’re saying it without saying a thing. I felt a huge amount of love and support and encouragement from the other participants and I was so thankful to spend the morning with them.

It also gave me a newfound appreciation for runners and athletes (you guys are awesome!).

If you want to read more about ending sexual violence in YOUR community, click here and here.

love, elizabeth

Sexual Assault: 7 Myths and Facts

To continue our conversation for Sexual Assault Awareness month, I’d like to share seven of the most common misconceptions our society tends to have about sexual assault. Again, I know this stuff is difficult to talk about but I hope you’ll use some of these facts to spread hope and health among your friends and family! Each of you has the power to affect change just by knowing and sharing good information.

MYTH # 1

If a woman wears revealing clothing or has too much to drink, she is asking to be raped.

FACT

The only thing that causes rape to happen is a rapist. Nothing that someone wears, says, does, or has to drink or smoke makes a sexual assault occur. Victims come in all shapes and sizes and from all different kinds of backgrounds. They wear every kind of clothing, they have every kind of lifestyle. We would never tell someone that they deserved to be robbed because they were carrying money or because they looked vulnerable. Rape happens because someone chooses to rape. The only person responsible for that crime is the perpetrator.

MYTH # 2

If a woman or man does not fight or scream or say ‘no’ firmly, it can’t be rape.

FACT

When sex is used as a weapon, we call it sexual violence. There’s a reason we call it a weapon. The legal truth is that if someone does not actively consent to sexual activity, that is a problem. And if someone does not feel safe to refuse consent, that is coercion. There are lots of reasons someone might not fight back. When I talk to survivors I always try to remind them that whatever they did to stay alive and to survive that moment, they did the right thing, because they survived.

MYTH # 3

Sexual assault mostly happens in dark alleys and bad parts of town.

FACT

Sexual assault can happen anywhere but more than 50% happen either in or near the victim’s home.

MYTH # 4

Rapists are usually strangers hiding in the bushes.

FACT

Something like 80% of victims know their attackers. 38% of them are friends. 28% of them are intimate partners.

MYTH # 5

It’s not rape if you’re married, dating, or have had sex with that person before.

FACT

Consent is something you get to give every time you have sex. That’s your right. No one is allowed to coerce you into doing anything you don’t want to do, even if you’ve done it before, even if you’re married. And consenting to one kind of intimate activity is not consenting to all intimate activities. That’s why having tons of communication and loving, open conversations about intimacy is such a great thing to do with your partner, no matter how long you’ve been together. Who doesn’t want to receive an enthusiastic “YES” from their spouse every time?

MYTH # 6

Men can’t be raped.

 

FACT

Unfortunately, just like women, men are vulnerable to sexual assault by other men and by women. It’s also important to acknowledge that even though physiologically, a man may experience physical arousal during intercourse, that is not the same thing as active consent. Men face a unique stigma as survivors because they’re often told that if they were “real men,” they wouldn’t have let this happen to themselves. They’re also often asked to question their sexual orientation. It’s important to remember that rape is about power, not sex – in this case, sex is just another weapon.

MYTH # 7

Most men are rapists.

FACT

While most rapists are men, most men are not rapists. Men can also experience sexual violence and men can also be a huge part of the solution! I always want to say a special thank-you to the many wonderful men I’ve met and worked with who are passionate about ending violence in their communities. Check out one of my favorite campaigns geared towards men here.

If you or someone you know needs help or has questions, you can call the free, confidential 24/7 National Sexual Assault Hotline and speak with a trained advocate. They can talk with you about anything or they can direct you to your local hotline, as well. 1-800-656-HOPE

What have I missed? Anything you want to add to the list? Thank you, thank you for reading, for sharing, and for supporting. Next time I’ll be talking about how you can specifically help someone who has survived sexual or domestic violence.

love, elizabeth

Sexual Violence

For those of you who don’t know, one of the things I do, besides theatre, is work as a hospital advocate and community educator. I know this is a hard thing to think about or talk about but it affects so many people, people in our lives, people that we know and love and care about. Throughout April, I’m going to highlight a few different issues around sexual and domestic violence. I want to share a few statistics with you, focus on a few myths about sexual assault, and most importantly, talk about how YOU can make a difference! I am hugely convicted about this. As bloggers, I think we have a big voice and this is an important time to use it! So I hope it’s okay if we have a conversation…

Source: google.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

Here are some numbers…

1 in 6 women have experienced a sexual assault. 1 in 33 men have, too.

Someone is sexually assaulted every two minutes. More than 200,000 people a year.

More than HALF of those assaults will not be reported.

97% of rapists will not spend a day in prison for their crime.

Again, I know this is not easy stuff to think about or talk about. But I hope this month, we’ll try. I encourage you to find out more. Visit RAINN for more information and statistics or for ways to get involved in your community.

If you or someone you know needs help or has questions, you can call the free, confidential 24/7 National Sexual Assault Hotline and speak with a trained advocate. They can talk with you about anything or they can direct you to your local hotline, as well.

1-800-656-HOPE

Please feel free to email me or leave a comment if you have questions or thoughts about this issue. I would really love to hear from you.

love, elizabeth

Help End Sexual Violence in YOUR Community: DEFEND

It’s still April for another week so let’s talk about a THIRD way we can help fight sexual violence where we live and work and play!
Defend!
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This might seem like an oversimplification. After all, we think, if I actually SAW someone being assaulted or harassed, I would do something about it. Right?
Studies show that this is not always the case. Bystander effect is essentially what happens when a large group of people witnesses someone in trouble and does nothing about it because a) no one else is or b) they assume someone else is.
Most of us, I think, would probably try to say or do something if we saw a woman attacked on the street. Hopefully, that’s a no-brainer. But what about those more ambiguous situations? What about the girl at the party who seems like she’s had a little too much to drink to be leaving with that guy? What about the loud shouting coming from a couple arguing in the parking lot outside of your apartment? And what about that woman at work who looks incredibly uncomfortable when the guys in the next cubicle start loudly comparing personal sexual experiences? Would we do something then? Or would we say, “That’s not my business.” “I shouldn’t get involved.” “If she’s uncomfortable, she’ll say so.”

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And defense isn’t just about defending OTHERS, it’s also about defending ourselves.
Here are some easy ways to defend the vulnerable:
- If dirty jokes or sexually aggressive language is being thrown around the office, say something. Don’t wait for someone else to speak up. If you felt uncomfortable, even for a second, chances are someone else did, too.
- If you’re concerned about someone’s personal safety, do something. If you’re not sure it’s safe to intervene directly, don’t step in yourself. Call security, call 9-1-1, ask another passerby for help. I’ve heard campus police use the expression: “When in doubt, call us out.” Pay attention to your instincts.
- Learn self-defense. Take a class (they’re often offered through community centers, gyms, martial arts studios, and college campuses). The key word, again, is defense. This isn’t about taking on predators in dangerous situations. It’s about knowing how to use your own body (your greatest weapon) to protect yourself and others in peril. Be aware of your surroundings. Lock your car doors. Walk with purpose and confidence.
-Demand that people treat your personal space with respect and care – if someone gets a little too close (ex: at the bus stop, waiting in line, on the sidewalk, or at a party), tell them to give you room. Don’t let the fear of offending someone keep you from feeling safe – a predator will test your boundaries by encroaching on your personal space and a good person won’t be offended if you ask them to give you room.

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As always, thanks for taking the time to read and empower yourselves as men and women to make an impact on YOUR world! Stay tuned for Part 4 of Ending Sexual Violence in Your Community!
Love, Elizabeth

Help End Sexual Violence In YOUR Community: DECLARE

It's Sexual Assault Awareness Month and here is the second way YOU can help fight sexual violence in YOUR community.

Declare!

Declare yourself as an ally for survivors of sexual and domestic violence.

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Here are some incredibly easy ways to do that:

- Use empowering language. People who have been harassed, abused, stalked, and/or assaulted are not just victims of a crime. They are survivors because they lived through it. The term survivor shows respect for their strength and their journey of recovery.

- Educate yourself about the statistics. 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men will be sexually assaulted at least once in their lifetimes. 85% of survivors know their attacker. Only 33% of rapes are reported. While anyone can be assaulted, some more vulnerable groups are at a higher risk, statistically. These groups include people with disabilities, the homeless, senior adults, children, and the GLBT community.

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- Be sensitive to humor/language that encourages or excuses sexual violence. The words “rape” and “molestation” get thrown around a lot in some inappropriate contexts –ex:  “I just got raped on my tax refund this year.” Comedians and adult cartoons often make jokes at the expense of marginalized groups. This is not funny or edgy or subversive. It’s gross. I hear this a lot:“It’s just a joke. Don’t be so sensitive.” These comments trivialize the genuine pain that women and men who are assaulted experience.

- Go public. Not all of us speak in front of large groups or command a great deal of attention. But we all have public outlets. Social media like Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, email, even our blogs…Some people like to put bumper stickers on their car. Most of us wear jewelry or t-shirts. Find a way, big or small, to let your public know where you stand on sexual violence.

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Help End Sexual Violence in Your Community: DONATE

“May the stars carry your sadness away…”
- Chief Dan George

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April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and in honor of that, I thought I’d share 5 ideas this month for fighting back against sexual violence. Here’s the first one.
Donate!

There are tons of local and national organizations that desperately need resources to continue doing what they do. These organizations provide 24-hour hotlines, hospital advocacy, counseling and support groups, community/school education and prevention, and much more! Government funding of these programs is constantly being cut and many crisis centers are fighting to keep their doors open and their staff paid. Most centers accept online donations (which are tax-deductible). Donate locally or visit RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) to donate to what Worth Magazine deems one of “America’s 100 Best Charities.”
You can also buy great gifts for friends and family that support RAINN by clicking HERE.

And they don’t just need money! Contact your local domestic violence shelter or rape crisis center to find about donating things like:

• Old cell phones that can be converted into emergency phones. These phones will only dial 9-1-1 and the survivor or at-risk person will not be charged any fee.
• Gently-used clothing/bedding – many shelters have beds for survivors of abuse but are running out of things like pillows and blankets.
• Hygiene products like shampoo, toothpaste, new underwear and socks – in hospital situations, survivors are often asked to give up their clothing as part of evidence collection.

Thanks for reading this! Oh, and just so you know, I’m not paid by any of these organizations, including RAINN so this isn’t an advertisement so much as a hope that you might find a few minutes to visit a website and consider donating to a worthy cause!

Stay tuned for more ideas for ending sexual violence in YOUR world…

Much love,

Elizabeth

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