During a recent counseling session with my therapist, I began listing off all the things I hated about myself, all the ways I was sure I had failed. I wasn’t disciplined enough, I told him. I was unsure of my path. I say the wrong thing. I second-guess every relationship and friendship I have. I am constantly questioning my abilities and my feelings. There’s a drum beat in my head and it’s sounding off the same, familiar rhythm again and again. You are not good enough. You are not good enough.
My counselor smiled at me as I told him all of this and his eyes were sad. “You’re not very kind to yourself, are you?” he asked. That hit me hard.
The whole notion of “taking care of yourself” is deceptively simple. Often, I think, I say that I am. Maybe I even think that I am. I rush through the day, moving too quickly to really consider how things are hitting me, affecting me. But lately, I’ve been making a concerted effort to stop and take a real kind of inventory of my state of being. Am I being kind to myself? Am I okay? And if I’m not, is it okay that I’m not okay? Too often, I find myself stepping quickly over the most painful moments because I feel like I don’t have the time or energy to feel them or let them pass through me.
I guess that’s what this summer is about for me. I want to be kind to myself. I want to learn how to do that. I want to learn to be more patient with my heart and more gentle with my soul. I’ll be making an effort to keep blogging about the self-kindness journey. What about you? What can you do to be more kind to yourself this week?