Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Halloween: Resurrection

It’s the end of an era. Kinda. I now present the final recap of the final movie in the Halloween franchise (I’m not counting the two very recent Rob Zombie remakes which I may or may not watch at a later time when I am feeling especially courageous.)


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So here’s the skinny. We open on a psychiatric hospital where Jamie Lee Curtis is being kept. Because she’s crazy now. What made her crazy? asks the brand new nurse, conveniently allowing the older, more experienced nurse to provide us with some very helpful exposition. Because Michael Myers is a sneakity-sneak, says the older nurse. As if it wasn’t enough that he tried to kill her…a lot, we find out that in the last movie, when he tracked her down at the private boarding school in California and got decapitated, he didn’t actually get decapitated. He dressed up a paramedic in the Michael Myers’ clothes and then Jamie Lee Curtis killed the paramedic. So now she’s crazy because she feels guilty. Oh, except not. She’s not crazy. She’s PRETENDING to be crazy and hiding all of the psychiatric drugs the doctors prescribe in her Raggedy Ann Doll. How did poor Raggedy Ann get dragged into this? Then Michael Myers shows up (I find this to be a charmingly ironic reference to the original film in which Michael breaks out of a psychiatric hospital…except now he’s breaking in. Life’s funny.) And then he literally walks through the big secure door into Jamie Lee Curtis’ cell but it’s cool because Jamie Lee has been waiting for this and she has a trap ready and she almost kills him but then she feels an uh-oh-what-if-this-is-another-paramedic-in-disguise-feeling so she tries to take off his mask but then he kills her. And that is the end of Laurie Strode. But only the beginning of the movie. So I guess everything is cool now, right? He’s finally killed his sister. But then Busta Rhymes and Tyra Banks decide to produce a reality tv show (Pure fiction. Can you imagine if Tyra Banks actually did this for a living?) and stream it on the internet. The show puts a bunch of attractive college-age people like that one guy from American Pie and some other vaguely familiar late 90’s/early 2000’s type actors in a house overnight. But it’s not just any house. It’s Michael Myers’ childhood home. Naturally. What not even Busta Rhymes could predict, however, is that Michael himself has been living in a weird dungeon cavern tunnel area below this house since he killed Jamie Lee. So that’s neat. Michael gets pretty annoyed because all of these people are wandering around his house with cameras on and being fake-scared for the tv audiences and so he’s like, well, fine, I guess I can kill you or something. So then all of them die gruesome horrible deaths. Except Busta Rhymes and this one girl Sarah who is obviously the smart one of the group. They live mostly thanks to this cute befuddled geek who has been using the super cool screen name Deckard to talk to Sarah online for like months or something. Anyway, he uses his internet powers (mostly, watching stuff on the internet) so that he can do whatever the 2002 version of texting is to her phone/texting device thing (I don’t exactly understand how they’re communicating but whatever). Busta Rhymes electrocutes Michael Myers and then they take his body to the morgue. He’s totally dead now. Except then his eyes open and the coroner screams. Credits.

I’m feeling a little sad that this series is over but I’m about to start watching the Friday the 13th movies so stay tuned for more slasher movie magic.

Happy Halloweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!

love, elizabeth

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