I hope you all had a lovely Valentine’s Day! Kyle and I spent most of the day doing taxes, paperwork, and unpacking but honestly, I can’t imagine a nicer day.
I did happen to catch this wonderful animated short. It’s up for an Academy Award this year and I thought you might enjoy it. It’s only about five and a half minutes but it brought a smile to my face.
love, elizabeth
Source: impawards.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest
As per my Christmas to-do list, we curled up on the couch on Saturday night and watched my favorite Christmas movie of all time, How the Grinch Stole Christmas. This movie is just awesome and Kyle and I have seen it so many times, we can quote most of it.
Here are some of our favorite Grinch-isms:
“One man’s toxic sludge is another man’s potpourri.”
“Blast, this Christmas music! It’s joyful AND triumphant.”
“She’ll be on me like fleegel flies on a flat-faced flugelhorse! We'll, I’m sorry, Martha baby, but the G-Train has left the station!”
“If you so much as utter ONE syllable, I’ll hunt you down and gut you like a FISH! If you’d like to fax me, press the star key.”
“Kids today. So desensitized by movies and television.”
“The NERVE of those Who’s inviting me down there on such short notice! Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn’t allow it. 4 o’clock – Wallow in self-pity. 4:30 – Stare into the abyss. 5 o’clock – Solve world hunger. Tell NO ONE. 5:30 – Jazzercise. 6:30 – Dinner with me. I can’t cancel that again! 7 o’clock – Wrestle with my self-loathing…I’m booked!”
“Now listen to me, young lady. Even if we’re HORRIBLY MANGLED, there’ll be no sad faces on Christmas.”
What’s your favorite quote from your favorite Christmas movie?
love, elizabeth
It’s the end of an era. Kinda. I now present the final recap of the final movie in the Halloween franchise (I’m not counting the two very recent Rob Zombie remakes which I may or may not watch at a later time when I am feeling especially courageous.)
So here’s the skinny. We open on a psychiatric hospital where Jamie Lee Curtis is being kept. Because she’s crazy now. What made her crazy? asks the brand new nurse, conveniently allowing the older, more experienced nurse to provide us with some very helpful exposition. Because Michael Myers is a sneakity-sneak, says the older nurse. As if it wasn’t enough that he tried to kill her…a lot, we find out that in the last movie, when he tracked her down at the private boarding school in California and got decapitated, he didn’t actually get decapitated. He dressed up a paramedic in the Michael Myers’ clothes and then Jamie Lee Curtis killed the paramedic. So now she’s crazy because she feels guilty. Oh, except not. She’s not crazy. She’s PRETENDING to be crazy and hiding all of the psychiatric drugs the doctors prescribe in her Raggedy Ann Doll. How did poor Raggedy Ann get dragged into this? Then Michael Myers shows up (I find this to be a charmingly ironic reference to the original film in which Michael breaks out of a psychiatric hospital…except now he’s breaking in. Life’s funny.) And then he literally walks through the big secure door into Jamie Lee Curtis’ cell but it’s cool because Jamie Lee has been waiting for this and she has a trap ready and she almost kills him but then she feels an uh-oh-what-if-this-is-another-paramedic-in-disguise-feeling so she tries to take off his mask but then he kills her. And that is the end of Laurie Strode. But only the beginning of the movie. So I guess everything is cool now, right? He’s finally killed his sister. But then Busta Rhymes and Tyra Banks decide to produce a reality tv show (Pure fiction. Can you imagine if Tyra Banks actually did this for a living?) and stream it on the internet. The show puts a bunch of attractive college-age people like that one guy from American Pie and some other vaguely familiar late 90’s/early 2000’s type actors in a house overnight. But it’s not just any house. It’s Michael Myers’ childhood home. Naturally. What not even Busta Rhymes could predict, however, is that Michael himself has been living in a weird dungeon cavern tunnel area below this house since he killed Jamie Lee. So that’s neat. Michael gets pretty annoyed because all of these people are wandering around his house with cameras on and being fake-scared for the tv audiences and so he’s like, well, fine, I guess I can kill you or something. So then all of them die gruesome horrible deaths. Except Busta Rhymes and this one girl Sarah who is obviously the smart one of the group. They live mostly thanks to this cute befuddled geek who has been using the super cool screen name Deckard to talk to Sarah online for like months or something. Anyway, he uses his internet powers (mostly, watching stuff on the internet) so that he can do whatever the 2002 version of texting is to her phone/texting device thing (I don’t exactly understand how they’re communicating but whatever). Busta Rhymes electrocutes Michael Myers and then they take his body to the morgue. He’s totally dead now. Except then his eyes open and the coroner screams. Credits.
I’m feeling a little sad that this series is over but I’m about to start watching the Friday the 13th movies so stay tuned for more slasher movie magic.
Happy Halloweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!
love, elizabeth
We are so close. Have you missed any recaps? You can catch up here or by clicking on the tab at the top of the page.
So remember way back in Halloween IV: The Return of Michael Myers when we learn that Jamie Lee Curtis aka Laurie Strode died in a car accident? Well, guess what, you guys…Jamie Lee Curtis didn’t die in a car accident. No. She faked her own death and went into hiding. 20 years later, she is living under an assumed name, Keri Tate, and also she’s a principal at an isolated boarding school. She teaches classes in literature (nice continuity from the original film) and, totally coincidentally, her students are reading Frankenstein and have really keen literary insights like, “Everyone the doctor loves is dead so he can finally confront his monster face to face.” Jamie Lee Curtis is understandably a traumatized wreck after being almost murdered by her brother for two whole movies (or one very long Halloween night depending on how you look at it) so even though her son, Josh Hartnett, is going all Little Mermaid on her: “I’m 17 years old! Stop trying to control me! I need to live my own life! I need to be free to go camping with my friends at Yellowstone National Park or wherever! Excuse me whilst I make out with my girlfriend, future Oscar-winner, Michelle Williams!” Meanwhile, Dr. Loomis’ old nurse gets her house broken into and the neighbor boy, future dreamboat Joseph Gordon-Levitt, tries to be helpful but is killed with a hockey skate to the face. This is the 7th movie in the franchise. Michael Myers ain’t messing around. So Michael kills the nurse and pretty much everyone else that gets in his way and steals the Laurie Strode file which obviously explains how he can find her after all this time. Does anyone else feel like this movie is trying too hard to actually provide a feasible explanation for Michael Myers’ abilities? You seriously do not have to worry about this, Director Steve Miner. I don’t know if you saw Halloween III, sir, but in it, the bad guy steals Stonehenge and sets it up inside his toy factory so he can take over the world. Just saying. Side issue: there is a fairly creepy scene where Michael steals a woman’s car keys and her car while she and her daughter are in the rest room, reminding me why I never stop at deserted rest stops NO MATTER HOW BADLY I HAVE TO PEE. YOU CAN TOTALLY GET MURDERED THAT WAY. Meanwhile…LL Cool J is apparently the entire campus security system for this boarding school. But that’s just his day job because he actually really wants to be a screenwriter. He spends the first half of the movie on the phone with his special lady reading the sexy thriller screenplay he wrote. Hey, we’ve all got a dream. But obviously LL Cool J is very distracted and isn’t paying a whole lot of attention to his security guard duties. Again, the film feels it necessary to explain how Michael Myers is able to calmly stroll in through the front gates without being noticed. I’d really hate it if I felt like this film was straining credibility. And it’s about this point when Jamie Lee Curtis decides to tell the guidance counselor, who is also her boyfriend, about how her name isn’t really Keri Tate and how her brother is actually a crazed serial killer who goes cuckoo on Halloween and her boyfriend is like, “Hahaha, JLC, you are soooooooo funny!” And Jamie Lee is like, “I’m not even a little joking.” He is really, really surprised. So then Michael shows up and, as he is wont to do, he kills some teenagers that get trapped in a dumb waiter (because their school is old and creepy and this is a Halloween movie, remember?). Scary piano music, blood, stabbing – it’s a whole big thing. Josh Hartnett is suddenly like, “Uh-oh, my nut-job Mom was totally right!” and he and Michelle Williams go screaming across campus and almost get murdered because Michelle can’t figure out which key on her enormous key ring unlocks the dorm. But then Jamie Lee Curtis and the guidance counselor save them and Michael sees Jamie and it is ON. Because now she is sooooooooooo going confront her monster face to face. So she makes all the surviving people, like her son and Michelle Williams, get in the car and drive away and then she starts screaming, “MICHAELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!” super loud. Which seems a touch unnecessary since Michael always knows where people are but whatever. He chases her around and then falls out of a window and he’s dead. And the police are like, “Well, I’m glad that’s finally over,” and then Jamie Lee Curtis steals an ax and the coroner’s van and is like, “No one move!” and she drives off with Michael’s dead body. Except, of course, it’s not his dead body. It’s his totally alive body and he is trying to get out of the body bag and so Jamie Lee crashes the van and Michael gets pinned between the van and a tree and he reaches out his hand to his sister and she starts to reach back and for one glimmering second you think, is this what it’s all come down to? A touching moment of redemption between evil serial killer brother and functioning alcoholic sister? But then Jamie Lee Curtis whacks off Michael’s head with the ax. Credits.
Okay, for the reals…he has to be dead now right? How is there another movie? Still to come…the final film in the Halloween franchise (minus the two Rob Zombie remakes I am going to watch at a later date). Halloween: Resurrection. Stay tuned.
love, elizabeth
Time for another post on all things pop culture or otherwise too silly to get their own post. Sooo much to talk about today…
1. Lady-bachelorhood. Kyle’s flying back west for a few days to see our family in Colorado. Cons: I have to walk the dog by myself in the cold, almost-November weather. Half the bed will be totally empty. There will be no one to insist that I come to bed at 3 am when I’m still studying. Who will watch scary movies with me so that I can pretend they’re funny and not scary? Pros: I can listen to whatever terrible 90’s dance pop I feel like without any background sighs/snorts/derisive laughter from el-husbando. Like this. Or this. Zero guilt if I eat string cheese and Wheat-Thins for dinner every night.
2. I hate myself for claiming romantic feelings for inanimate objects when I have a perfectly good husband for that but…I’m having romantic feelings for these boots.
I can’t help it. I’ve been saving the gift card from my birthday (thank you, Mama!) for the arrival of adorable snow boots…and here they are. And they’re 60% off. I’m so glad this love will not go unrequited. I’ll let you know when they arrive. Be forewarned, Ohio winter. I come shod in cuteness.
3a. Omg, can we PLEASE talk about Nashville? Please tell me I am not the only person who is obsessed with this show! So gooooooooooood…I came for the Connie Britton (Friday Night Lights), I stayed for the soapy plot points, the original songs, and for Maisy and Lennon Stella. If you don’t have cable, do not fear. The Nashville is available on the Hulu. And no one even paid me to say that.
3b. So let’s talk about Maisy and Lennon and why they’re the best thing ever. First of all, watch their adorable covers of I Won’t Give Up and Call Your Girlfriend. I would love them at any age but it’s amazing to me that they’re only 12 and 8. Here’s a clip of the sisters on Nashville. I dare you to not be utterly charmed.
4. This new obsession with horror movie franchises. Guys…it turns out that I love cheesy slasher films.Trust me, I’m just as surprised as you are. Now that I’m almost done reviewing all 10 of the Halloween films, I’m plotting my next series. On my hit list: Friday the 13th (there are 12 of these movies…so I guess this is going to be a long-term commitment), Nightmare on Elm Street, Child’s Play, Children of the Corn, and Leprechaun (I am particularly looking forward to Leprechaun 4: In Space). Did I miss any big horror franchise that you’d like to see recapped?
5. My newsprint copy of the LUSH catalogue just arrived, triggering some kind of Pavlovian Christmas response inside of me. If you didn’t know, I wrap everything I give in LUSH newsprint. I’m sure that’s not why they send me the catalogue but…yeah. Get your free copy here.
love, elizabeth
At this point, you know the drill. No prison can hold him, no man can kill him. “I prayed that he would burn in hell but I knew, in my heart, that hell would have not him.” Apparently, Michael Myers is also too evil for hell. You can also read the recaps for Halloween I, Halloween II, or Halloween III: Season of the Witch. IF YOU DARE…
*SPOILER WARNING
Halloween IV: The Return of Michael Myers
Aaaaaaaaaaand after a short entre-acte involving…Stonehenge…(???)…we’re back to Michael Myers who is all unconscious from being burned alive in the hospital 10 years earlier. I really feel like we can blame the majority of this movie on the chatty paramedics who are all like, “Lalala, let’s have an exposition party in the ambulance with the unconscious Mike Myers!” so they spend a bunch of time talking about how Michael’s sister (Jamie Lee Curtis, if you’ll recall) died in a car accident (OMGGGGGGGGGG) and her daughter Jamie Junior is now in foster care. And this news is apparently so jolting that it wakes Michael Myers from his fire-coma and he is way overdue for bloodshed so he kills the paramedics and crashes the ambulance. Jamie Jr. keeps seeing visions of Michael Myers so she’s pretty freaked out. But peer pressure knows no bounds so when all of the other kids are like, “haha, jamie’s a scaredy cat! also her uncle is a serial killer, nanananabooboo,” Jamie decides she has to go trick-or-treating like the other kids and must, inexplicably, wear a clown costume identical to the one Michael Myers wore 20 years previous. Meanwhile, Jamie’s foster sister is like, “Crap, having an adopted sister is totally cramping my style, how am I supposed to get smoochy with my boyfriend?” But it doesn’t really matter because her boyfriend is a super sleaze who is making it with the sheriff’s daughter (so, of course, they’re both going to die). Actually, pretty much everyone dies in this movie, except Jamie Jr. and the doctor. Did I forget to mention the doctor is back? Well, he is, and once again, he spends most of the movie running around town with his gigantic pistol and yelling at the incompetent law enforcement. You know…the ushe. Michael Myers ends up crashing his car into an abandoned mine. But then Jamie decides she needs to touch his hand…because I know whenever my uncle chases me all over town on Halloween trying to stab me, that’s what I do…and OMG, SHE IS NOW PSYCHICALLY POSSESSED BY MICHAEL MYERS. Then she tries to stab her foster mother with scissors. The end…and Michael Myers is definitely dead this time. For real. ….
Halloween V: The Revenge of Michael Myers
So after Halloween IV, the little girl is super traumatized over the whole my uncle-is-a-serial-killer thing so they put her in a hospital for disturbed children (they apparently have one of those in Haddonfield, New Jersey). So while she’s busy being psychically connected to Michael Myers, Michael is busy waking up from his like…eighteenth coma. And because of Jamie’s creepy powers, she can now predict who Michael is going to kill next because she can see inside his mind and…stuff. I don’t know, they don’t really explain this very well. This movie has one of my all-time favorite Michael Myers moments of the entire franchise so far in which he shows up in a sleek black sports car, pretending to be the slutty babysitter’s dirtbag boyfriend (who he has already dismembered) and she gets in the car and starts yelling at him about how he’s a terrible boyfriend. And for some reason he doesn’t kill her. Then when she yells at him to stop at the gas station so she can buy cigarettes…he does. Michael, are you losing your killer instinct? Oh yeah, and the crazy doctor is back and has decided to use Jamie Jr. (who is like 8 years old, by the way) as BAIT FOR THE SERIAL KILLER. So they hang out in Michael’s childhood home and the doctor’s like, “Hey Jamie, brush your hair like Michael’s sister was doing when he, you know, MURDERED HER” and Jamie Jr. is like “Omg, this doctor is crazy and I feel that there is an inordinate amount of pressure on me to help catch a murderer but whatever.” And then Michael shows up and stuff goes down. And Jamie Jr. runs up to the attic where Michael has apparently been sleeping…in a coffin…and, like any sane eight year old, she lays down in it. And then Michael comes upstairs and just as he’s about to stab her, she says, “Uncle?” AND THEN SHE TAKES OFF HIS MASK and we see a single tear on his cheek. And they have a tender half of a second before Michael is like OMG NO I AM EVIL!!! And then the doctor beats him with a stick. And the police take him into custody. And he is totally locked up forever…until like five minutes later when Jamie somehow ends up at the police station that has…exploded…and Michael’s cell is empty. Credits. For real.
Next up…Halloween VI: The Curse of Michael Myers.
love, elizabeth
This is our third day into the project (check out recaps of Halloween and Halloween II) and we’re about to recap Halloween III: Season of the Witch. It doesn’t get more nuanced or complex than this. I spoke to a resident film buff named Brock who told me that originally, the plan was for each Halloween film to have a different theme/story but that Michael Myers was so popular, he became the recurring villain. Season of the Witch is the only departure from the Mike Myers saga. So. excited. Hold onto your face masks, this gets complicated.*
*SPOILER WARNING
A crazy old dude with a Halloween mask is admitted to the hospital and treated for injuries before he is killed by evil zombie/robot men in suits. The doctor who treats him, Daniel Challis, has a moustache. This is how you know he will be a main character. Dr. Moustache already has lots of problems, mainly that he is an alcoholic and that his ex-wife hates him and doesn’t want him to see his kids. But when Dr. Moustache meets crazy old dude’s daughter, Ellie (we’ll just call her Barely Legal), he decides he doesn’t have enough on his plate, what with the whole being a doctor and having a moustache thing, and so he and Barely Legal decide to investigate the death of her father. This, they decide, is obviously related to the cheap Halloween mask he is wearing from some placed called the Silver Shamrock Novelty Company. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention…John Carpenter hates Irish people. Dr. Moustache and Barely Legal drive out to the factory town of Santa Mira and check into a kitschy motel where they proceed to have weirdly edited, oddly censored 80’s love scenes. In the end, it turns out that the factory is a cover for an old Irish witch-druid dude named Colonel Cochran, who is nothing like his fellow officer, Colonel Sanders. Somehow Cochran has stolen Stonehenge and installed it in his factory. You’ll never guess how he did it! No, really. You’ll never guess. He says that and then he never, ever explains himself. When all the children of the world turn on their televisions for the Silver Shamrock Corporation’s big broadcast event, they will put on their masks, which are somehow linked via computer chip to…Stonehenge…and this…makes their heads explode and spiders and snakes crawl out of their eye sockets (it’s like your mom said, tv will rot your brain). What is Colonel Cochran’s reason for this nefariousness? Does he need a reason? No, really. He wants to know and then no one is able to answer him so he’s like, “This is an ancient sacrificial blood rite on the holiday of Samhain” (because, as we learned in Halloween II, Samhain is the Irish tradition whereupon we kill children and/or sexy teenagers because that’s the Gaelic way! Kiss us, we’re Irish!) and Dr. Moustache is all like tormented and sad and also apparently has 49 minutes before the broadcast so he foot-smashes the television set and escapes into the air ducts and rescues Barely Legal and they dump mask devices on the robots and on Colonel Cochran and this makes all their heads explode. And then Barely Legal and Dr. Moustache drive away while cartoon orange flames light up the night sky (because the factory is now on fire, did I forget to mention that part?). But OMG HUUUUUUUUUGE TWIST, BARELY LEGAL HAS BEEN TURNED INTO A ROBOT BY THE LATE COLONEL COCHRAN AND SHE IS TRYING TO STRANGLE DR. MOUSTACHE! It’s cool, though, because he whacks off her head with a tire iron and gets back in his car but OMG, HE FORGOT THAT HER DISLOCATED ARM IS IN THE PASSENGER SEAT AND IT CAN STILL STRANGLE HIM SOMEHOW! So then he throws it. And it’s all okay. And then he goes to a gas station and somehow convinces the Head of All Television Everywhere that they can’t air the big Silver Shamrock Corporation Broadcast of Doom because it will kill all the children and they totally believe him and cancel the broadcast except OMG THEY TOTALLY FORGOT THE THIRD CHANNEL (THERE ARE ONLY THREE) AND THERE ARE CHILDREN AND THEY ARE WATCHING THIS AND DR. MOUSTACHE IS LIKE, TURN IT OFF YOU HAVE TO TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!! Bam. Credits.
Is your mind as blown as mine is right now? Gaelic Halloween spiders!!?! Side note: some internet research is telling me that the villain’s name is actual Conal Cochran, not Colonel Cochran but I, a) heard colonel not conal, and b) like my version better. Halloween IV…Thursday…be there….
love, elizabeth
Yesterday, I shared my 90-second recap of John Carpenter’s Halloween. It’s part of our Halloween project this October. We’re reviewing all the films in the Halloween franchise. Ready for the sequel? Dun, dun, dun.*
*SPOILER WARNING
This movie picks up about 45 seconds after the first Halloween ended. The doctor runs out into the street to the sheriff’s car, shouting, “I shot him six times! And now he’s gone!” And this right here is basically the entire premise of the film. If you think Michael Myers is dead, you are wrong. So they take Jamie Lee Curtis, who is so traumatized that she spends the majority of this movie shivering and moaning and not doing a whole lot of talking, to what has to be the worst hospital in the entire United States. Haddonfield Memorial Hospital apparently shuts down at like 8 PM on Halloween and just leaves like one nurse in charge of all the babies while two paramedics and a drunk doctor run the emergency room. This means that Jamie Lee Curtis gets plenty of attention, especially from Jimmy, the sensitive “college boy” paramedic. He’s super different than his macho partner who likes to get cozy with nurses in the therapy steam in the hospital basement (this is apparently a really good way to get murdered, in case you were wondering, so…no sexy time in hospital basements unless you want Michael Myers to kill you). Speaking of M.M., everyone else in town, including the sheriff and the doctor, spend the majority of the movie freaking out about him maybe being not dead. They drive around a lot, looking for Michael. They find a word written in blood, “SAMHAIN” and then the doctor explains how the Irish invented Halloween and how evil doesn’t exist in goblins and ghosts but in our darkest selves. Meanwhile, Jamie Lee Curtis is having sedative-induced flashback dreams about this boy named Michael and then OMG WE FIND OUT THAT JAMIE LEE CURTIS IS TOTALLY MICHAEL’S OTHER SISTER AND THAT SHE WAS ADOPTED AFTER HER PARENTS WERE MURDERED!! The last third of the movie is mostly Michael calmly stalking Jamie Lee Curtis around the hospital. He keeps getting stabbed and shot and burned alive until right at the end when he’s totally dead and Jamie Lee Curtis is like, why is this hospital so dark and empty and why is the law enforcement so completely incompetent and how on earth did I get the only hospital gown in history that is NOT backless and embarrassing? Credits.
I feel like these movies are just going to get better and better. Halloween III coming tomorrow…
love, elizabeth
When Kyle and I spotted all the Halloween films on VHS at one of my favorite thrift stores, I decided to watch the entire series from start to finish.This led to one of our greatest date nights ever. I think we would probably be really annoying people to watch scary movies with because we spent the entire time doing a running commentary under the dialogue. So here’s my little Halloween project, 90-second summaries of every Halloween movie in the franchise. Aaaaaaaaaaaand go!*
*SPOILER WARNING
On a rainy night, a nurse and a doctor drive to an insane asylum, as you do, to discover that the insane are no longer safely asylum-ed but are now wandering around. This is a huge uh-oh because the psychopathic Michael Myers was supposed to be locked up there. Michael Myers’ main issues seem to revolve around his overwhelming need to breathe heavily into his mask, stand outside of well-lit windows and murder all physically amorous teenagers in the approximate area. Meanwhile, it’s totes magotes Halloween and Jamie Lee Curtis is a hot, book-loving virgin who is too busy babysitting children and taking care of her incredibly stupid teenage friends (who spend the majority of their time having sex, planning to have sex, and making fun of every one who is not having sex) to even THINK about boys. The doctor shows up in town and is all like, “Omg, Sheriff! I have looked into the devil’s eyes!” And the sheriff is like, “Someone broke into the hardware store and stole some masks and some rope and some knives. Those kids and their crazy Halloween hijinks!” And Michael Myers spends the majority of the day driving around town, creeping on Jamie Lee and randomly standing by clotheslines. Then it gets dark and Michael gets to murdering. His triggers are apparently female nudity and this song. Michael’s only weaknesses are being stabbed with knitting needles and girls who read books because somehow Jamie Lee continues to avoid getting dead AND continues to be a super responsible babysitter. And just when she’s about to be strangled for reals, the doctor shows up and shoots Michael Myers six. times. with his revolver that he apparently carries with him for his…psychiatric duties? And then Jamie Lee Curtis is all, “It really was the boogey man” and the doctor is like, “As a matter of fact, it was.” And then he goes to look out the window to stare at Michael Myers’ dead body and OMGMICHAELMYERSISTOTALLYNOTHEREANYMORE. Credits.
Stay tuned for the 90-second version of Halloween II…tomorrow.
Do you watch horror movies? Do you have a favorite?
love, elizabeth
1. Eat a lot. Eat so much and so often that when the topically ethnic eatery takes your order over the phone they can ask a) if you want your usual and b) if this will be for a large number of people (comically emphasizing how much food you eat by yourself). The most important reason for all this eating? To remind the audience that you are SO not weight-conscious. You’re just an average size 2-4 that eats her weight in egg rolls every night.
2. Work at an ambiguously creative job that is somehow simultaneously all-consuming and high-powered but also allows you lots of free time to do average girl things like watch black-and-white movies or go jogging or drink martinis on your lunch hour. Possible career paths: sculptor, photographer, fashion designer, undercover journalist, wedding planner, pie artisan, vague creative-type person in advertising firm. Looking for a more serious, grown-up job? You an also be a chiropractor, campaign manager, or prostitute. If you work for a woman, she should be ruthless but funny.
3. Live in a trendy loft with exposed beams and brick walls. Be sure to mumble something about rent control a third of the way through the movie to remind everyone that even though you have a 1200 sq ft apartment in New York City, you are still totally average and romantically comedic.
4. Have a slightly overweight and/or hopelessly dysfunctional BFF with whom to share your loneliness and pain. Or a neurotic, over-the-top gay man friend. The point is…someone who is not a threat to your love life because there is zero chance that anyone will find them as charming or attractive or adorably average as you.
5. Own an answering machine so that every night when you get home, you get to hear, “You. have. no. messages” and are reminded that you are pathetic and alone.
6. Have adorable flaws. These can include: southern or Bronx-type accents, snorting when you laugh, knowing all the words to terrible pop songs, wearing big cardigans with sweats when you decorate your tiny apartment Christmas tree, or inexplicable clumsiness that causes you to constantly slip, trip, run into things, or spill drinks on men’s pants. TIP: Be super embarrassed when you exhibit one of these flaws in front of a PSM (potential soul mate). Look flustered, don’t make eye contact, ramble on and on, offering a myriad of excuses that don’t make sense until you finally look up and catch him staring at you. Wait three seconds and then ask, “What are you staring at?” while self-consciously tucking a strand of hair behind your ear.
7. Always jump to conclusions. Assume the worst. Never ask for clarification. If the girl with him is whispering in his ear, it’s not his sister, it’s definitely his girlfriend who he is cheating on. With you. If you show up looking for him and the doorman tells you, “Mr. PSM is on his way to the wedding,” it’s definitely too late. If he made a bet with his friends for any number of reasons, it was obviously only to humiliate you. You can’t forgive him. Be sure to dramatically storm out of a huge public event, crying. If you have been given jewelry, throw it. Caveat: Unless he runs after you. And it’s raining. And he proceeds to list all your flaws and why you drive him crazy and why he can’t imagine his life without you in it because even though you are totes average, he has fallen under your spell. And there’s a close-up on his face and his eyes are totally sincere. Then you can forgive him. But don’t have a conversation. Just kiss him as the shot pans out.
*Teen rom-coms are a subset of the romantic comedy and have an entirely different rules. Maybe they deserve their own post?
love, elizabeth
It’s Sunday so I thought I’d share some pictures from the week in the style of Instagram. I don’t have an iPhone so these are all courtesy of my favorite new web tool Pixlr-o-matic.
1 and 2: Cupcakes. Yes.
3: Books are the very best kind of mail. 4: My morning tea.
5: On my walk to school. 6: A sweet potato vine in a jar. If it will ever sprout.
7: Some Kind of Wonderful on DVD. “It’s 1987. Don’t you know a girl can be anything she wants?”
8: Re-organized closet.
9 and 10: Madigan being Madigan and also generally awesome.
love, elizabeth
And by sometimes I mean…a lot of the time?
I’m kind of a movie fanatic. Not a film buff. Film buffs are way more sophisticated in their tastes. I basically have the worst possible taste in movies. The sillier and more overwrought, the better.
In pursuit of #17 on my 31 Before ‘13 bucket list, I watched a little movie called The Birds.
Source: google.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest
Here’s a clip.
If you're thinking, wow, that movie looks awesome, you are totally right. It is.
My only complaint…for the first third of the movie, I thought it was going to be about how Melanie Daniels is a crazy stalker who somehow manages to track down the vacation home address for a lawyer she has only met once and then proceeds to drive to Bodega Bay, rent a boat, and then sneak into his house to leave him…some birds? (Spoiler alert: It’s apparently not about that.)
Anyway, I loved it. It’s my third Hitchcock film (after Rebecca and Rope). Next on my list, Vertigo and North by Northwest.
Anyone else watch old movies? Anyone have a favorite?
love, elizabeth
We spent the first half of this weekend with our best friends, Beth and Zach, who came up from Kentucky to visit us. We haven’t had a chance to see them since the end of the summer and we were so excited to spend some time…
We ended up at one of our favorite spots, B.D.’s Mongolian Grill for lunch…
And Beth let me drag her to the Yellow Sale at Bath & Body Works (I have a problem…I realize).
And while the boys went out and saw Mission Impossible, we painted our nails (I’m a recent fan of J. Crew’s electric pink…) and watched the greatest romance of all time, The Notebook.
Uh, PS: Henceforth, we are replacing the word ‘hot’ with ‘Ryan Gosling.’ As in, ‘Wow, it is so Ryan Gosling outside…we should go to the pool!” or “Dang, you’re looking real Ryan Gosling today. Have you been working out?” or “These chocolate chip cookies just came out of the oven and they’re still pretty Ryan Gosling. Do you want some milk?”
I’ve been a little sad since they left this morning but so, so thankful for the time together.
Bonus of having company? The house is totally clean. How has your weekend been so far?
love, elizabeth
Hopefully my Thanksgiving is nothing like THIS…
And a lot more like this…
Source: google.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest
And this…
Source: flickr.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest
And THIS…
I’m considering uploading a video tomorrow of my Thanksgiving cooking endeavors. Does anyone want to see that? Let me know…
What about all of you? What are you most looking forward to this holiday?
love, elizabeth
