Friday, October 26, 2012

Halloween VI: The Curse of the Irish, I mean…Michael Myers

Halloween is mere days away and we’re on the home stretch! Be sure to check out the recaps for Halloween, Halloween II, Halloween III: Season of the Witch, Halloween IV: The Return of Michael Myers and Halloween V: The Revenge of Michael Myers.


I’m actually not entirely sure what happened in this movie. When last we left Haddonfield, New Jersey, Michael Myers had escaped from jail. It’s 7-ish years later and this is the one where the screenwriter tries to explain/justify all the hijinks of the first five movies. Haddonfield is now like that town in Footloose except Halloween is banned and not dancing and there’s no John Lithgow (which is really too bad for everyone involved). We open on an…abandoned hospital/warehouse? where the teenage niece of Michael Myers, Jamie, is giving birth…(btw, we never get a straight answer about the baby daddy but whatever). Then the baby is taken away from her so that it can be sacrificed or cursed by Druids…or something. In case you’ve been reading all of these recaps and wondering a) why Michael Myers has made family-murder his life’s work or b) how Michael Myers continues to live and breathe after being shot, stabbed, drowned, beaten, burned up in multiple fires/explosions, and buried alive, it’s very simple: Michael Myers was born under a weird celestial convergence, the sign of Thorn (an ancient demon curse). And because we all know the Irish are to blame for everything…we find out that on Samhain, the Druids would pick a family line to sacrifice in order to save everyone else. Duh! Jamie manages to take her baby and escape from the robe-wearing cult people and then Michael shows up because he has scary-good timing and also because we have a lot of ground to cover so we need to get to the killing. Jamie manages to flee to the (like everything else in Haddonfield) deserted bus station and call…a radio station? The radio deejay has spent the majority of his time on the air making tasteless Michael Myers jokes until Jamie calls and is all like, “I need help! Michael Myers is back! Dr. Loomis, are you out there?” And honestly…if it was ANY OTHER PERSON ON THE PLANET, I would be like, “Jamie, sweetheart, you are living in a dream world if you think that an old psychiatrist is sitting at home on Halloween listening to shock jock radio just in case you call in” but this is Dr. Loomis and his crazy knows no bounds. Then Michael Myers arrives and Jamie hides her baby in a cabinet in the ladies’ room (a perfectly reasonable place to hide a baby, in my opinion) and he chases her to a barn where he kills her on a corn thresher but not before she’s all, “You can’t have my baby, Michael.” Michael really, really doesn’t like it when people tell him what’s what so he goes on another killing rampage while he searches for the newborn. Meanwhile, Tommy Doyle is all grown-up. You don’t remember Tommy Doyle probably because I probably didn’t mention him but Tommy Doyle was the kid that Jamie Lee Curtis babysits in the first movie. He’s a teenager by Halloween IV and now he’s…Paul Rudd. Paul Rudd/Tommy Doyle is basically a first-degree paranoid nut who lives in an attic and spies on the neighborhood, listening to the police scanner and recording everything. He’s pretty interested in killing Michael Myers and has been waiting all this time for Michael’s return (sheesh, at least SOMEONE besides Dr. Loomis gets it!) Also meanwhile (did I mention there are a lot of side stories in this movie?), Kara and her son have moved back in with her parents. This is bad times because Kara’s dad is extremely abusive, like…Lifetime channel movie abusive, and he spends most of the film slapping Kara around and calling her son a bastard until he gets killed by Michael (I shed no tears). Oh, did I forget to mention Kara’s family’s last name? It’s Strode. As in Laurie Strode. As in…the family that adopted Laurie Myers after her family was massacred by Michael. What a crazy random happenstance. Tommy finds the baby in the cabinet at the bus station and names it Steven and then he and the retired Dr. Loomis spend the rest of the movie trying to save Kara and her son and the baby from Michael who chases them to another creepy abandoned hospital (I feel like Haddonfield needs to stop building these) where we find out that this other doctor has been doing experiments on pregnant women to somehow implant and control the Druid curse in order to harness its power. And stuff. He and some other doctors are doing some secret medical experiments involving genetic mutation and fetuses or something but then Michael kills all of them. So that’s cool. Then Tommy beats Michael Myers with a lead pipe. And just when you think all the main characters are totally going to survive this, Dr. Loomis is like, “Uh, yeah, I have some stuff to take care of…in the creepy hospital…with the serial killer. Okay, bye.” Dr. Loomis shouting. Credits.

Halloween H20: 20 Years Later. It’s coming.

love, elizabeth


Karm said...

hahah HAVE I mentioned how much I love your Halloween recaps? I was slipping through the channels one day and seen the Hallowen 3?4? and actually sat thru 3 killings without covering my eyes. haha
Keep em coming, they are hilarious.

Megan said...

Your movie recaps are the only reason I'm glad there's like 80 of these movies. They need to keep making movies in these series just so you can review them because you're fantastic. So there.

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