light in the darkness

I’m sure that in the next few days and weeks, we are going to be reminded often of the sadness and pain of today. The grief and tears that Kyle and I are experiencing tonight must be a very tiny, tiny shadow of what the parents and families of the victims and survivors of the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting. Tonight I am heartbroken and it is difficult to think of Christmas in this context. I remembered tonight that the world Jesus was born into was dark like this one and frightening. He was born into oppression and poverty. There is this amazing image described in the book of Matthew of the Magi arriving in Bethlehem and seeing the star they’ve been following stop directly over the house where tiny Jesus has been waiting for them. Jesus was born into a dark and troubling world. He came as a helpless baby boy, a light, the light, in a dark, cruel place. And when Herod the king realizes the Magi are not going to return and disclose the baby’s location, he orders the murder of every male infant two years and younger. And Jesus’ parents get up in the middle of the night and flee to Egypt. I am not a mother yet and this is a kind of pain I cannot begin to fathom. The Gospel of Matthew echoes this pain: “Then what was said through the prophet Jeremiah was fulfilled: ‘A voice is heard in Ramah, weeping and great mourning, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because they are no more.’” I can’t imagine the kind of terror and sorrow of parents that night, thousands of years ago, the terror Jesus’s mother must have been experiencing. I can’t imagine the terror and sorrow of parents tonight.

Tonight I am praying for comfort for families, for solace, for rest, for heavenly peace…because no earthly piece will do.

love, elizabeth

Making My Own Sunshine

Source: Uploaded by user via Elizabeth on Pinterest

Yesterday, I talked about suffering from seasonal affective disorder (you can read that post here).

I want to talk about fighting it. I have to consistently remind myself that while the weather is out

of my control, I can exert control over some pretty important things. I call it my battle plan.

Eating right. Part of my effort to fight SAD this winter is to make a conscious effort to eat good,

high-nutrition food instead of blowing through empty carbohydrates in an effort to control my

mood (especially in the evening). I started Weight Watchers just before the new year and so

far, I’ve felt really successful at managing my mood swings and cravings. WW is great for me

because I don’t feel like I have to deny myself when I’m hungry but it’s great for helping me

determine portions.

Creating safe refuge space. Keeping the apartment neat and the clutter to a minimum keeps

me from feeling overwhelmed at night (when I’m more likely to be depressed and anxious).

Comforting scents. Along with some woodsy, cozy candles, I’ve been using more scented

lotion this winter. I’ve noticed that smell has a lot to do with my mood. And though I tend to

stay away from fruitier or more tropical smells, I’ve been using lotion with coconut in it because

it reminds me of sunscreen (and inevitably, the beach).

Strategic lighting. I avoid fluorescent or harsh lighting at night and instead opt for softer lamps

and candles after dark. I’m also trying a combination of grow/sun lamps for short intervals in lieu

of actual sunshine. Eventually, I may have to try professional light treatment through my doctor

but I’m going to try this for a little while first.       

Not leaving important decisions/difficult work for late at night. As a grad student, this is difficult

but I’m trying to change my study habits to manage my depression.  

Making fun plans with people. It gets easy to isolate myself in the winter but I’m working hard to stay

involved with friends and make time for fun outings with Kyle and other couples.

And if all else fails…fantasize about how amazing spring break is going to be in Myrtle Beach.

If I close my eyes tight enough, I can almost feel the rays. March can’t come fast enough.

Source: imgfave.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

love, elizabeth

Throwing the Switch: Seasonal Affective Disorder

Every winter, like clockwork, I. get. sad.

Like really sad.

It’s most difficult at night or on overcast days. Last winter, it was so bad, I started attending counseling. And I couldn’t figure it out. I didn’t understand why it was impossible to feel motivated, why I felt like curling up in a ball and crying in the evening hours, why all I wanted to do was eat or sleep, why I gained weight so quickly. I didn’t understand it, at all.

Until one day last February, when I woke up to the sun shining and the birds tweeting and an unseasonably warm winter day and I had the best day I’d had in months. I was singing in the shower. I was smiling at strangers. I felt like I had energy zinging from my fingertips and the ends of my hair.
It was like someone had flipped a light switch.

And when other people comment on the change in me, I knew there was a connection.
I feel a little like a mad scientist somewhere is screaming, THROW THE SWITCH, IGOR! THROW THE SWITCH!

Photo credit

Like any other kind of depression, seasonal affective disorder stems mainly from things outside of my control. I can’t send the heavy Ohio clouds away or keep the sun from going down by 5 pm all winter. Sometimes it feels like I’m stuck in a fog or weighed down by a heavy load of bricks. For someone like me who is constantly moving and doing, this lack of motivation is confusing and frustrating and disempowering.

This year, I’m trying to be more proactive about my SAD. I may not have control over the weather or the sun. But I do have some measure of control and I am determined to find it. More on that, next post.

Source: tumblr.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

Anyone else suffer from seasonal depression? How do you take care of yourself?

love, elizabeth